2003-03-03 - 11:59 p.m.

It's still today! Honest!

I mean.. I didn't miss a day writing, even though the dates make it look like I did. 12:02am is not the next day, no matter what logic says.

I just finished some really good IM conversations with some good friends. I'm happy with the way things are, considering that there are people who will just willingly start conversations with me because they like talking to me. And I'm glad I've learned to be thoughtful enough to willingly start conversations with them because it's not fair to expect others to do all the work. I'm slowly learning to try harder at my friendships, especially after losing my biggest and best one.

I've probably been one of the most self-absorbed people I've ever known, and it's hard to get used to that knowledge. It's not so much that I think of myself all the time or that I think I'm the greatest, but more that my thoughts drift very easily into my own little world and I forget too quickly that there are other thinking, breathing, feeling people out there. And these people would like me to talk to them once in a while. :oP

It's hard to realize that you didn't know yourself the way you thought you did. When you see yourself in someone else and realize that's a character trait you despise.

I want more than anything NOT to avoid seeing these things, though. They may be the hardest things to learn about myself, but that makes them among the most important.

That's a weird direction to be heading in with this entry. I want to write about the great day I had. I want to write about the fact that I put in a solid day's work from 10am to 7pm. I want to capture the feeling I had drifting along the road back home after dance class, mesmerized by the glitter of fat snowflakes sifting across the smooth pavement, singing along to Supertramp.

I want to crystallize and capture the feeling of a spreading smile when Shawna sent the words "you're neat." my way. Yes, I am neat, and it's wonderful when someone notices it and takes the time to tell me. It helps my happiness quotient enormously :)

I'm in a weird poetic mood right now. I think it's from gazing at a picture that Shawna posted in her online photo album. This may just be the very first time I supply a link in my journal! :) I think so, anyway. Have a look, if you're interested.

When I saw it, I told her that it looked like how I felt inside and she agreed immediately and resoundingly. It's cool how we understand each other.

It was the same as how Dan and I haltingly talked about Tom starting to pay us for our work, neither one sure of how to broach the subject with the other, but both wanting to be sure that we weren't the only one who had started being paid. We understood each other, too.. and it was a strange meeting of the self in another, an understanding that we are both good people.

Right.. time for bed. My only regret today is that I didn't have enough time to play my guitar! haha.. that's a great feeling. I'm soo so so so glad that I still love to play it so much. I want to learn how to play what I was hearing in my head last night as I sat in the hot tub. The day will come... I can't wait to post an mp3 in this diary.

Anyway.. bed.

:o)

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