2003-03-04 - 11:20 p.m.

Ha! I even beat the fake tomorrow. No need to doctor the timestamp or the

date cause I'm on it like a tomato on the wall behind a bad play :oP

'Tis only eleven o'clock but I'm wipeder than wiped. I just got back from

playing badminton.. it's so worth the 40 minute drive there and back. I

absolutely love badminton. There's no other time in my week that I get to use

the full force of all my muscles, run as fast as I can, jump as high as I can,

and hit things as hard as I can. Not only that, but it's tons of fun and seen

as a positive outlet for energy.

There's so much I still want to do, but I have to go to bed. I have to beat

that early morning tiredness, that turning over and dreaming of crocodiles in

the basement pounding around when really it's the kids feet on the floor

upstairs and I slept in after waking for my 8am alarm. I have to beat that

feeling that my face doesn't want to straighten its slack and rise up to meet

the day.. that my arms are too tired to rise above my head to shampoo my hair.

I'm starting to wonder if I have a medical issue.. but then again I'm a

hypochondriac. I think I'm healthy, but then I wonder why I have no energy in

the mornings. I mean I eat right, I get exercise, it's not like I don't get

enough sleep really. So why do I have such a huge weight on my head in the

morning.. sitting literally across my brain and preventing my from thinking of

anything but just getting more sleep? I keep thinking I'll beat this thing,

that I'll change. I know it's at least possible.

I am getting caught up in thoughts of programming during my idle moments. On

those long drives, pacing around in the shower, leaning back in the hot tub.

The gears in my head start to whir and worlds come into sharper focus.. always

when I have no outlet to record, always when I'm away from the beast that

needs taming and directing.. this computer that I swear is evil :)

I was at the bank today organizing some things (what a hassle they make of the

simplest things.. egad) and I noticed that their office layout is simply

divine. Half the walls in the building are glass and it felt like a beautiful

spring day cause you could see outside and it felt all warm from the heating.

It was nicely soundproof which made me wonder how much it would cost to add on

a huge glassed in office to a house, or even design a house half in glass like

that.

I think I could crank out some delectable executables if I had that kind of

environment to work in. It might be just a cop out, though. If I'm able to

climb the ranks of the NS universe perched on this little stool peering into

this monitor that's too close and precariously balanced on a 2x8 that's

sitting on stacks of books that are almost identical in height, then I should

be able to crank out the delectables where I sit.

I think it's more likely that I need to split work and play areas. I need a

dedicated work environment that's free from temptations. Except food. Need

da programmer food. Cookies, brownies, chips, coffee (yeah I wish :oP),

anything sugary and fattening so the brain cells can keep churning away in

their swirly dances.

Yes, I'm enjoying having a weird tone and style to this entry. I'm reminded of

the mirror-chip-encrusted pendant hanging from my rearview mirror, a

delectable gift from a delectable friend who asked me what I wish everyone

would want to know: what I love the most about this world. I had forgotten

she had asked me, even, which is a shame considering I'm so happy she did.

And I'd forgotten my answer, which I was surprised at but to which I couldn't

argue, even though I was sober when I heard it and high when I spoke it.

I said the thing I like the most about the world is that it's always changing.

The point being that no matter how much I'm enjoying writing in this style, I

could never just say "alright, this is the best style and I will always write

this way." Nah.. cause then I would be missing out on the best aspect of

myself, which is a seemingly constant shifting of patterns and styles and

behaviours and a never sitting still that just keeps me going somehow, keeps

me wanting to see the next day.

Ah.. suddenly I'm reminded of some lyrics :)

"When you feel life ain't worth livin',

you got to stand up and take a look around,

look up way to the sky.

And when your deepest thoughts are broken,

keep on dreamin' boy cause when you stop dreamin'

it's time to die."

Rest in peace, Shannon. I would have loved to have known you.

So.. I'd better get to that dreamin' :)

previous - next