2003-03-22 - 12:52 a.m.

time for sleep.

I want to be good.

time of war.

time of sickness.

customer locator code.

warning: tampering with this envelope or its contents may result in legal action.

head feels ringy, buzzy, chocolate egg buzz.

action internet game buzz.

action internet game war.

action internet game frustration.

not headache ... but... livelihood ache?

malaise.

I will read a book, to get lost and enter another's thoughtspace.

I will lay in that bed, suffer that feeling as soon as I lay down.. that malaise.

I will think: "this bed again. ugh."

I will feel all the mornings I've lain there, not willing to get up, knowing I want to, but don't want what I want.

I will feel the dry hours I've wasted, feel like a fish lying on the beach, my weak gills flapping.

I will try to remind myself that everything will be ok, that I'll love again, be loved again.

I wish I could describe how I feel. I am trying, this is it.

I don't feel the classical sad feeling. I am not frowning.

I don't have an upside down smile. No tears.

It's more of an uneasy pondering, a wary look around into dark and murky bushes, fog creeping around my feet and slithering on the skin of my ankles, pants not quite reaching down low enough and socks not quite reaching high enough. Sweater not reaching my pants, either, little gaps all over where I'm exposed to the cold.

Bah I'm sick of myself acting like this. I should know what to do.

It's no one else's job to perform my actions.

Anyway, time for sleep.

Which means read to the point of not being able to stand holding my head up.

Hands squished by my chin, neck crinked, eyes glazed, thoughts full of a different story, layers of thoughts drifting like ships in the dark crossing an iceberg field.

Lately that one iceberg has been melting, though. It's not nearly as prevalent. Thank jebus.

Enough.

previous - next