2003-03-27 - 12:14 a.m.

Can the child within my heart rise above?

I was really depressed today. I read this morning that a man somewhere had taken his daughters for an unsupervised visit, then left the older one in a vehicle and taken the younger, only 2 years old, into the bush, slit her throat, and left her to die in some bushes.

Sometimes the cruelty of this world astounds me.

Anyhow, this piece of put me in mind of something Michelle had said the morning after I went crazy and trashed a hotel room in a drunken rage. She had asked me "what if Kris was there?" I didn't take the question seriously, I didn't listen to her. Of course I would never get that drunk when Kris was around. It just wouldn't happen. And besides, I would never hurt her. Except for the fact that I'd said the same thing about Michelle, sworn I'd never hit her, that I wasn't even capable of it. I really believed it, too. I was as shocked as anyone to see her fat lip.

So what happens when you are the one who has done this? What happens when you feel so abysmally lost without your little family and yet you know that it was the best thing for you to be separated from them? Having lost everything that I was comfortable with and that I held dear is one thing to have to get over, and it's another thing entirely to deal with the fact that you had it coming and that you fucked everything up so bad you didn't deserve them. I really didn't. It drives me deeper into that little hole every time I remember Kris asking me to play with her and I just wanted to lay on the couch, claiming I was too tired. So what if I was tired. Or all the times I slept in in the mornings. In the years that I lived with Michelle and Kris, I could have doubled the time I spent with them if I'd gotten up at the same time as them every morning. What did I gain for those hours wasted in bed, half asleep?

So yeah, poor me. But I do hurt, and I do need love too. I need to figure out how to be the person I know I am, how to discard the laziness and self-centeredness that keeps me holed up in my own little world.

I do have some successes. Somehow though, they don't buoy me up like they used to. I was more proud back in Thunder Bay, when I'd accomplished even less. I guess it was easier to please myself when I hadn't gotten myself down so far. But.. I really did need to put myself down where I belonged. If you don't realize how far the problems go, and you don't start at the root, then they will still be there, under the surface, ready to grow out when healthy new shoots appear and strangle them. I had to go deep and realize just how many things I'd done wrong and in how many ways I haven't even started to improve.

So it's half and half. Sometimes I'm proud and satisfied that I haven't had a drink and every time the temptation appears I crush it with the same strength of will that I felt the day after, wandering dazed in Minneapolis, but knowing the course I had to take. I haven't forgotten...

I'm also glad that I've played my guitar every day like I wanted to, and it really shows. Just a few minutes ago I was picking along with the intro to "Landslide" (Fleetwood Mac version, mind) and was a bit surprised how easy it was to keep up the proper tempo when only a week ago I'd stumbled just to switch to the right chord positions to get through it at all.

Aside from those things, I also haven't had any coffee, like I promised myself I wouldn't. Just another trap like the alcohol that it would be too easy to fall into without anything gained. Let's see.. what else? I've done fairly well on my primary goal: simplify. I have caught myself wanting to leave the things I'm working on and start new things and been able to stop some of the time. I'm not really clear what I expect out of this goal, but I know I need to keep it in mind.

But I'm depressed about a lot of the things I wanted to do, like get regular sleep. That's probably the biggest downer. Sleeping in till after noon, regardless of whether or not I can't sleep till 4 am, is definitely a bummer. It's my latest focus point: I really want to be waking up by 8am in the course of a few days. This morning I set the alarm for 11 and tomorrow morning it'll ring at 10. I just hope that I continue to force myself out of bed and that this makes me tired enough to sleep at night.

I was thinking about that last night, actually, pondering the idea that I can choose whether or not to wake up (generally speaking) but I can't choose to fall asleep. That has been the bane of my existence for as long as I can remember. I've always had trouble falling asleep.

Thinking back, I realize that my relationship with Michelle really deteriorated because I didn't go to sleep when she did, preferring to stay up and spend time using the computer. I didn't spend much time with her as it was, and to waste what little time I could spend with her staying up late and sleeping in was just stupid. Talk about depressing to think about. But it's true, and I worry I would do it again, so I don't want to just forget it happened. That would be worse somehow.

I guess that's another primary concern: I want and need to fix my problems before I get into another serious relationship. I can't see anything ever working out unless I can make myself sleep on a regular schedule. The person I am going to spend the rest of my life with is going to need to be very strong and supporting about that, obviously. Oh.. another thing I've been thinking about in terms of "the next person". This woman is going to need to accept what I did with Michelle. I'm not considering entering a relationship without first disclosing to whoever she may be that I hit the last woman I was with. I don't look forward to it either, but unless I establish that kind of trust early on then there's no hope.

So anyway, I spent most of the day pretty depressed. I did accomplish some things, though. I went a got the pictures that I submitted for developing, and mailed Shawna's set to her. I'm sort of pleased with the roll I took.. a lot less so than I thought I would be right after I finished. I was in a great mood that day, even though I was recording my displeasure with the society I find myself in. I think I captured that thought sufficiently in the entry for that day. I also hauled water to the hot tub to bring it up to a nice level again. In retrospect it seems like the day went by fast. That should change as I get up earlier and earlier :)

Wait a second. I'm thinking back and realize I didn't finish the thought I started this entry with.. at least I don't think I did. Yeah, I got sidetracked after I admitted that I didn't really listen to Michelle when she asked "what if Kris was there?" Well, today it dawned on me (yes, I'm slow) (well, it's more that I really avoided thinking about this kind of stuff, since each time I think of a piece of it, it takes me right down again and I need a lot of time to get past that) .. anyway it dawned on me that since I was a nut case when I trashed that room, I could very well have done something like that in the apartment. Well.. maybe? See, this is the confusing part. Obviously, I don't really know myself. I had no idea I would ever hit Michelle. You couldn't have convinced me of it. I didn't really know what an alcoholic was, or that I was one, and I didn't see my crash coming. I knew I'd done some stupid things in the past, but I'd never willingly hurt someone I cared about.

I really wish I knew more about what happened. Did I grab the alarm clock and throw it across the room at Michelle? Or did I throw it at the mirror, just to vent? Or did I throw the alarm clock at all? I know I had to pay to replace an iron. Maybe I threw that. The only things I remember doing during the actual rage was throwing a bottle of alcohol at the window as hard as I could. I distinctly remember wanting something heavy to throw, and then seeing the bottles and grabbing one, then turning in a smooth motion and whipping it overhand as hard as I could at the window. I know I wouldn't have done that if Michelle was standing in the way. Still, it scares me that I don't remember hitting her. We talked about it a bit, but I never did ask her much, and it was only the one time. I wouldn't dream of bringing up the subject again. She already hates me for trying to be friends, trying to have some contact. Can't say that I blame her.

I wonder, though. I obviously didn't really go overboard and want to do an unlimited amount of damage, or wouldn't I have thrown the TV out the window? Who knows, maybe the thought crossed my mind and I chuckled at the memory of Pink Floyd's "The Wall". See? I would say "I wouldn't do that" but I can't say that.

One thought that occurred to me was that after I'd hit Michelle and she ran away, I picked up whatever I could find and threw it at the mirror because I hated myself, then went on a rampage destroying things because I was so mad at myself that I couldn't handle the anger. I would feel so much better if I knew this to be the case, but I can't say for sure that it is. I laugh now to think that for a time I thought this would make a different to Michelle. I thought of asking her more about what had happened so that if this chain of events was true, I could point out that slapping her and tearing the room apart were two separate things, both aimed at different people, the first at her, and the second, right away, even in my drunken craze, at me. Whatever, Carl. It doesn't matter. Would you trust your child with someone like that?

And there it is.

I have to say yes.

Dammit, I want children, but to have them, I have to trust someone like that with my child. I have to trust myself with that child.

So the real answer is, yes, if they reformed themselves. Obviously if the person who did this kept drinking heavily, I would never trust them with my child, but everyone who goes into a drunken rage is not automatically an incorigible psychotic who can never function as a useful, trustable human being again. AA taught me that some really decent people get sucked down by alcoholism and live really insane lives. It also taught me that it is possible to recover, and stay recovered.

So.. I can't and don't expect Michelle to care about that. She will not trust me again and that's that, so move on. I need to have faith in myself that I will carry on, one day at a time, maintaining my sobriety and new life, and that I will find someone who will understand me and love me for who I am now, and not hate me for who I was.

The worst part about it, though, is that Kris was hurt by all this. Her daddy disappeared and isn't coming back. And that hurts the worst. That's something I have to live with for the rest of my life, or until she is old enough to seek me out of her own free will. Not that I expect that, I doubt she'll really remember me. I don't really recall my dad, and I last saw him when I was three. If my mom hadn't told me about him I wouldn't really remember, and I know I no longer exist as far as Michelle is concerned. So yeah, Kris loses out. And it's my fault.

I can't make it up to her, but I can pay it forward. So that's what I need to do.

Time for sleep.

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