2003-09-17 - 8:19 p.m.

it wasn't till now I realized.. it's 8pm meaning it is story time, the kids get to hear the next segment of the harry potter "book on tape", but it wasn't playing and I realized mom isn't home. I said to Amanda "mom is gone, eh?" and she's like yeah. So anyway, Tristan isn't here either, cause if he was he'd have followed Amanda.

It's only now, laying on my bed, I had a moment of reflection and the tv turned on as Sean came back downstairs. It dawned on me: that's why Amanda was in my room the whole time. She just wanted to be around a family member. I hardly paid her attention, yet I did... you know. Man, it's just so sad. I feel like I'm deserting her.

I had my first tears about leaving her this morning in the shower. I pictured the moment I would tell her I was leaving and I got overwhelmed. Yesterday when I mentioned I had to move eventually, she said "there's a house for sale on Kentucky" (next street over) :) What a sweetheart. I had to explain that my spirit didn't feel comfortable here, that I wanted to be around them, but that I couldn't stay. I know she doesn't understand yet. ... In the shower, I imagined myself hugging Amanda and telling her she was going to be ok, that everything would work out just fine for her even in this family. Not those exact words, better worded.. anyway, and I told her she had to take care of Tristan, that he needs her.

It's going to be a big deal moving, after all. I'm going to miss a lot of things about this area even if I bitch about how bad it is all the tiem ;)

I went to Niki's today to hang out and do my resume. Little did I know she would practically do it for me. I understood, and we understood each other, because I would find it infinitely easier to do someone else's resume than to do my own. Anyway, I super appreciated it and so now my resume is almost done, just needs a bit o tweaking but that's easy. Just had to record that cause it was such a stumbling block. I've been "going to do my resume" since very very early this year ;)

I'm going to go upstairs now and see what Amanda's up to.. sigh

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