2003-09-18 - 11:58 a.m.

This morning, in the course of my thinking back over the wonders of the night before, it occurred to me to ask myself "what was the best moment?" It speaks volumes that, of all the moments in the last 5 days, all the wonderful, wonderful moments, I knew instantly which one was the one; it was sitting there with my web cam pointed at my screen where your image was, reaching out with my fingers to "touch" your face, stroking your cheek. It was such a perfect moment, so spontaneous and silly in a way, yet so suddenly meaningful, highlighting the ache I felt to be actually next to you. I was overwhelmed by that feeling that I wanted to record what I saw because it was so precious to me. I wanted a snapshot of that picture of your face floating on a white background with my fingers lovingly caressing it. That's when the crying started in earnest, because of all moments, that was the one that I was the most sure I couldn't live so far away from you. In one of those brief moments of time where you think a paragraph's worth of thoughts, it occurred that I couldn't think of a way to capture it, that you were incredidbly beautiful, that I would remember this moment when I was much much older, and then I was just awash in emotion with no thought attached... but this morning, upon remembering it, I realize what exactly it was that I thought that made me so overcome: I wasn't upset that I couldn't capture the image, because a there was a larger barrier to my proper enjoyment of that image: life was too short. I wouldn't have enough time to fully enjoy all the aspects of the memory.

That was a big thought. It was very hard to write that paragraph, I'm still not really satisfied. I will get better, with more practice :)

What else? Oh yes :) I was also remembering some long-forgotten thoughts... when I went to visit you in Vita, I had forgotten that when I left your house I got taken over by one of those squirmy feelings where you shudder in overexposed delight. I had been repressing thoughts of you and I... um.. you know... during my visit with you, but once safely in the car, away from the danger zone, my mind was free to suddenly deluge me with mental pictures of what I hadn't let myself do, and.. ooooooh did I squirm. If I recall correctly, it was as I was leaving your driveway ;) I'm glad that at the time I was good, but it's worth saying that you overwhelmed me with desire even after so long, after such a short visit, and when I was still so young.

Which lead me to remember just how excited I was when I was driving into Vita. The whole bouncy chipper thing went up a notch as I was driving down. The sunny day was perfect, and I convinced myself that I was looking forward to the meeting so much simply because I wanted to catch up with a good friend. But does that explain the sensation when I actually got to Vita and got out of my car that I floated slightly above the ground? I was literally giddy with elation at the prospect of seeing you again. Looking back, the signs are so clear :)

Ok, that is enough for an entry. I've been putting off signing on to yahoo messenger :D I do have one more little thing written down that can just stay as is, a thought that occurred while writing that I 'scribbled' down shorthand and left to flesh out later:

stinky people stink *mirth* they don't realize the stink they create becomes their own smell :))

Keehee.. I'm bad :D There is so much more to tell you.. I feel that yearning to be in contact, no matter how flimsy and remote. Must go log in....

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