2004-02-29 - 6:31 p.m.

Well, it never fails. "For me this is heaven" has made me cry every time, even if I was only reading the lyrics.

However, I stop quickly. I am so accomplished at turning off my emotions and living in the moment, not thinking about anything at all, mind a blank slate. I've had a lifetime of practice with that.

I'm just getting caught up on diary entries. Don't want to get too off track but knew it was time to start my own.

Hmm.. it doesn't make any sense. I have to remember what I said, no thinking, just follow my heart. So far, that means not doing anything except spending time on me. I've had quite a lull in that respect, evidenced by my lack of diary entries for over a week. I don't know what to write, but know that I have to. "break the seal." Why does my memory torment me?

I think silly things, like if I wasn't impatient, then things would be simpler, less hurtful all around. But it already feels like I am moving so slowly that I'm standing still. What a crazy thing to think after seeing how abruptly everything has happened. Reading over those old entries.... day after day of just usual stuff, normal writings, then WHAM, sudden excitement then pain. Wtf?

And what do I feel? This entry started with tears, or rather the empty blankness that is me not crying. Yes, I am extremely sad for what I've lost, what I came here to find but what retreated before my questing advance like a will'o'the wisp smirking at me. It breaks my heart to have children tell me I should be staying "home". I have no home. I'm still brokenhearted about the last "home" I had, the one I smashed to pieces myself.

Where will my home be? The place where my children will grow up. The place I will run my business from. The place I will grow my marijuana. The place some impossible woman will fill with grace, kindness, patience, intellect, honesty, stability, security, peace, sensuousness, love. The place I will know myself and feel my roots reaching deep beneath the household.

Hmmmmmmmm. That makes so much sense. Thinking of it in those terms helps clarify things a little. It's thinking about how I'm feeling today that doesn't make any sense.

This entry has been a good exercise in helping my think about a confusing situation. What is needed here is not action, decision, effort. It is simply time, patience, and honesty with myself. How boring :P

I need to clean out the thawed potatoes that drooled all over my crisper drawer and my recycling box/pile refuses to accept more material without dispensing an equal or greater piece onto the floor :/

Sucks. What I want the most is just to be held (and hold), but there is no one for me that suits that need at the moment.

Puttering around my humble abode will help me. It is a form of self-love and more of that is always a good thing. And maybe I'll have a second shower since my first one degraded to a measly trickle like a minute after I stepped in and stayed that way for the remainder.

Gah. I want to keep typing but have nothing to type. This is one of those entries I'll read back and wonder what I was thinking. I hardly know how I'm feeling right now. Restless. Sad. Worried. I need to be up and doing something. Time to take my own advice :)

ps I did the carebear thing and I turned out to be "tenderheart bear". :P So appropriate actually. I had the html in the clipboard but then I had to paste this entry in from wordpad and forgot so I don't have the cute picture.

pps I'm going over to Saara for some quality conversation :) I really didn't want to spend tonight at home alone. Not at this point ..bleah. I hope everything is working out.

ppps I have to email Krista right now before I forget!!!!!!

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