2004-01-14 - 2:37 a.m.

I couldn't believe it was 1:58 when I got up to check how late it had gotten. It's amazing how fast an hour goes by when you can't sleep. It seems like it was just 1:04, already plenty late after staying up reading for a while. Funny thing is I knew I would have a hard time getting to sleep even before I laid down.

Doesn't help that there is some sort of snow removal vehicle clearing streets or something somewhere near my apartment, and every few seconds it backs up, emitting a loud, clear, raucous beeping that sounds exactly like the first alarm clock I ever owned. How can it take more than an hour to clear some streets of snow? And why does it have to get done so late at night? Oh well.

So here I am, hopeful that if I spend a little time awake and maybe drink some water, I'll be able to fall asleep in the next half hour. It really really really really sucks that I can't sleep when I want so bad to get up at a decent hour and get some honest work done, and this at a time when I have the perfect opportunity to do work, and where if I do good work I can get myself some recognition with a good company that could give me more work in the future. I blame myself, of course. If I just forced myself to wake up earlier, then I would be tired earlier too, right? Why is it that this morning 10:00am felt like 7:00am? Some days I feel like I'll never figure it out.

Bah, I can't even think of what to write about. I'm in a listless mood. Just bleah. I don't want to do anything but sleep, but I have gotten to the point where it doesn't take me very long to get frustrated at laying there wide awake. It's a vicious cycle for sure, cause as soon as I think about it, any hope of drifting off peacefully goes out the window. Am I just a whiny bitch? Or is there really something wrong with me? Not that I think I need a quick fix of some kind.. I know (at least theoretically) that to solve my problems requires dedication and effort, strength of will, that sort of thing. However, I've known that for.. umm.. 15 years? I'm not getting any better and I know it.

Hang on a second.. yes, the infernal beeping has stopped. Hopefully the operator isn't just on a coffee break. Sad thing is I know that I would have been awake regardless of the noise.. that just gave my malaise something to focus on.

I just don't get it. I'm not the kind of person who refuses to put effort into things. In fact, I've managed to excel at a lot of things in my life. Sometimes I think it's the sheer knowledge that it just doesn't matter if I don't put effort in right now is what does me in. .. . Hmm, but then again, that is a lie. Because when I look back on a stretch of time, it always feels like I should have worked harder, because I see what I could have accomplished with some effort. So then it follows that my point of failure is in recognizing the importance of effort over time. How the hell do I learn that? I can't remember the number of small projects I've attempted to start, thinking that with some practice it would get easier.

And then my thoughts shift to a different tack. Maybe it would be better for me to find some employment that suits my moody, brief stabs of concentrated effort. But really, what kind of job rewards people for changing their field of focus every few weeks? I don't know. I'll eventually figure out where I belong. But right now, it's very hazy. I don't see myself standing happily on my own two feet any time in the next year. By the time I stock enough shelves to dig myself out of this hole of debt it'll already by spring. Well, that's assuming I got a job tomorrow. At the rate I'm going it can't be much later or someone's going to come after me with a machete demanding money. Haha. Don't anyone take this diary too seriously, I'm not that kind of person :P

It honestly seems to me that the only life I'm really suited for is a rich guy's loser kid who never amounts to anything but it doesn't matter because he never has to work a day in his life. I mean, everyone who isn't already one of those people wishes they were, and the people who actually are aren't any happier, but.. well, at least they don't have to work.

Naw, I would be best off living in a little cottage a hundred kilometers into the bush outside of Elliot Lake. Just me and my guitar and a little vegetable patch and some traps. Maybe I would work up the arrogance to kill other living creatures directly instead of just buying their carcasses at the supermarket. Well..... no. I can't imagine that kind of life either.

The sucky thing is that even if I imagine not working at all for like the next 30 years and doing nothing but enjoying myself doing whatever appeals at the moment, I know that I would sit there wishing I had done something more with my life, regretting having just wasted my time. Kinda harsh when you know that you don't want what you want.

Man, you'd think with all this pessimism and self-pity I'd make a good singer/songwriter. That's the age that we're in, anyway; the age that glorifies sports stars and entertainers. The last age before the fall of the empire, at least historically. This particular empire is definitely hollow and rotting on the inside, a fragile shell of greed undermined by oblivious moles.

Hmm, just had a thought. Maybe these low cycles are kinda on purpose, so that the highs are higher. I know that last summer was right up there with the happiest in my life. I don't feel like I accomplished a damn thing, but I sure was happy. .. Hmm, hey now, that isn't really fair. I did in fact accomplish some things, but they were all internal things. I didn't sculpt the statue of David, but I did figure out that it was for the best that Michelle and I never married. I did find simple joy in fishing fossils out of lake Erie. I did paint stumbling watercolours with my own style, and code some opengl masterpieces like a single white dot on a black screen. Ha, I just kept living my life like I have for the previous 27 years of my life and didn't ask more out of every day than to learn a new trick on the half-pipe.

Maybe that's it. Maybe I need some more exercise.

Gah, I have no idea. I'm clueless.

Help!

At least I know one thing... no matter how lost or hopeless I feel about finding a plan for my life, I know that I will never want to end it prematurely. That's just one thought that has never appealed. I know there will be good times, and I somehow have an instinctive feeling that some day, maybe 20 years from now, I will look back and marvel at how complicated everything seemed as I sit happy in my perfect little life, smoking a pipe in my perfect little den, reclining in the perfect sunshine shining through my perfectly architected windows, revelling in that funky orange-red glow that you get when the sun shines full on your closed eyelids.

Heh.. the worm of doubt creeps in. I suddenly imagine myself in that perfect future stabbing myself with the eye-piercing needle of guilt, reminding myself that I was supposed to start "working on that project" an hour and a half ago, and how am I ever going to make the computer alive if I don't finally settle down and get to work for once in my life nya nya blah blah .. blech.

Well, half an hour later. Is it late enough for me to fall asleep? Doesn't feel like it. Maybe I'll go rescue some hostages to the sound of arabian music. Now *that* would be a useful accomplishment!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FUCK!!!!!!!!

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