2004-01-15 - 11:51 a.m.

I'm listening to the "essential gathering" mix I made this summer. Holy shit.

The power of music continually astounds me. I had to stop it so I could focus on this writing. I haven't listened to that mix in a long long time and it totally brought back how I felt this summer. Especially that car trip to Dennis' place this summer. I could *taste* how I felt at that time. That's the best way I can describe it.

I had really been getting a handle on myself back then. I was finally feeling comfortable in my own skin, no longer pining for Michelle or the life that I'd left behind, just me and my guitar (and my computer :P) roaming around the countryside, seeing sights I'd never seen, inner and outer. It really hit home that I messed up in my decision to come here.

At the start of the summer, I was still indrawn and incapacitated by my depression. Inside though, I was incubating a new self. A seedling, as it were. That seedling really took root on those long bike rides, those long quiet walks along the beach, those hours spent painting, skateboarding, programming, spending time with my sister. I was all set to grow into a normal person again. I bet if I looked back on the diary entries, they wouldn't necessarily sound like this, but I really feel it and see it now. I had *just* recovered and was looking forward to the future instead of looking back on the past by the end of the summer.

And then a great opportunity came up. Of course since things were going so well that influenced my mentality. If the same thing had happened say six months before, there's no way I would have considered moving. But things were going so well and I felt so healthy that it all seemed to click. It just made sense.. it felt right. But now I know that seedling couldn't handle the shock of a transplant. Sure, it was green and healthy and raring to go, but it needed some time, some patience, a few years of solid growth before it could handle the turbulence of other people's lives on an intimate, daily basis.

So, that explains the feelings I had when I was doing my dishes, listening to "you learn about it" for the first time in ages. It's not my fault, it's no one's fault.. it's not even a fault thing. It's a learning thing.

Last night was a good night for me. I sat down with a clear mind and focused on work for many hours, and came up with a solid design for support multiple conceptual programs out of one base background program. I designed clear, concise processes for installation and registration of the new product and really got a grasp in my head of how the whole thing is coming together. It's no small task to rearrange the program to do what I see it should, but I know it will work and it will work well.

It felt really good to write it up and send it to Cory. It was a release, like I didn't have to work for the rest of the day and didn't have to feel guilty about it. I sat and enjoyed some free time, some guilt-free time, for the first time in weeks. It seems like when I'm here at my apartment I'm always overshadowed by the fact I have to work to make a living, and that I'm not doing enough. Well, last night I felt like "hey, I'm doing enough, I can see the next few weeks, it's all good". So I sat and watched some Monty Python movies I'd downloaded and rubbed my sore tummy that was giving me weak sour burps, hoping I wouldn't get sick. I'm still here this morning so it's all good.

May this good trend continue. Well, I think it will. Ha! How's that for positive thinking. Time to head to Alex's to bring him to the bus stop. I really should have a talk with him. But I can't forget, can't lose focus, it's vital that I come back quickly to my place and work the rest of the day because now is the time to keep up this head of steam and work work work on something that I understand and know what to do with. Time to go.

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