2004-01-18 - 12:08 p.m.

I'm stepping gently so as not to knock out any thoughts :P Hang on, hand cream... There.

I had cool dreams this morning. I figured some things out while I was sleeping. Let's see if I can remember them all.

Ok, I wrote in point form to keep as much detail as possible and I'll just leave it like that. I'll need to cross out a few names, though, and I'll just leave everything in as is.. it's only my dream and I didn't control much of it, so I'm not responsible or guilty about what happened in it.

-sleeping in car

-big wave of traffic :blue/white buses, greyhounds, fire engine

-cruise control while busy, heading toward cars

-messing up repeatedly trying to get to golf course by 10:00

-there early but forgot clubs

-back at home but had forgotten to drive car back and clubs wouldn't fit in stroller

-I figure out that when I'm too tired I just go ahead with the plan I'm on, don't think it through, miss something vital that negates my efforts, then try to make it up without thinking, rinse and repeat

-at house with X, X and some new guy

-X masturbates on bed with all of us there

-guy was watching

-X is talking while she's doing it

-X goes into other room, I follow and see her in white tshirt and nothing else

-she bends over and I crouch down to spy on her, thinking she doesn't know I'm there

-she opens up and I get a nice view

-she notices me there and arches her back, then works her muscles, inviting

-I leave telling her to meet again in a little bit

-I spend rest of dream trying to get back to this scene

-I go elsewhere and dress down

-I'm wearing a long white tshirt and nothing else

-walking down a country lane, few trees around, mostly big flat farm fields

-I see some little dog-type things up ahead on the road that turn out to be baby reindeer

-they act like dogs, though

-a young girl is escorting them somewhere and tags along with me although I don't want company (I'm naked)

-a bunch more people show up around us

-I'm walking into a big campground thing

-I'm in a crowd and keep thinking I want to go back to that scene, but more people keep showing up and I'm naked

-I figure out that later on in my dream, it starts to get more and more what I don't want as I get closer to waking up.

-I decide 'screw this' and think I'll show them all by flying out of there

-I have that familiar feeling that I know I've flown in dreams before but I don't know how to make myself

-I stop, put my hands together in front of me and figure that if I fall forward, I'll just start floating, and float away

-I land on the ground, face first and people around me whisper "priest death" or something weird like that cause of the way I'm holding my hands I guess

-I breathe very slowly and deeply. I realize now this was happening in real life. I concentrate on floating so I can fly away

-nothing is happening; I'm staring at the dirt but..

-I'm seeing little blue dots flowing around toward the centre of my vision. I think that if enough blue dots collect I'll be able to fly.

-I start to get very embarassed and jump up and run away.

-there is a pile of industrial waste next to a very high fence; I grab a big chunk of wood and plaster that is quite heavy and heave it at the fence, to little effect

-I think that I'm too weak to throw the stuff as hard as my anger wants me to

-a sudden thought: I hear Morpheus saying "Do you really think that how strong you are has anything to do with your muscles, in this place?"

-I figure out that my dream is like the matrix...

-I pick up another piece of industrial waste and this time hurl it as hard as I'm mad right at the fence. It breaks a hole in the fence

-when I threw the first piece, I felt (a simulation of?) the feeling of my muscles being used to their max potential. when I threw the second piece, I was more detached, less concerned about effort and more about what was going to happen

-I decide to do another test and look up at the top of the fence, some 30 feet up, deciding to jump to the top.

-I step back, then think that it's best if I see the distance at the last second and look down at the ground as I run forward a few steps, then glance up at the top of the fence and *JUMP* as soon as I see the distance.

-I literally feel the effort of my muscles, not as it would feel to jump with my maximum strength, but as it would feel if I had jumped with the amount of strength required to get me to the top.

-I sail to the top and land there, a bit stunned that it actually worked.

-I sit there for a second, thinking, and figure out that what you're capable of in your dream is not based on how strong or how fast you are, but on what you can imagine.

-the rest of the dream I take off running faster than humanly possible, throwing things harder than humanly possible, but in the context of a video game where I'm killing monsters like in diablo.

-next thing I know, I'm awake and feeling very drained and tired, but remembering all this

Weird. I started out very point-form but then moved gradually to longer and longer sentences. I think that was a factor of my slowly waking up as I wrote this? I guess.

Yesterday was a good day. It was bright and sunny, the first time I'd seen the sun in 3 days or so. On my todo list was writing back to Sue and writing to my grandparents by January 17th. I sat down and wrote Sue a letter, which took a really long time. I'm not very quick or efficient at writing, and when it comes to actually thinking of what to say, I spend a lot of time thinking and rereading what I've written, and the letters the person wrote to me. I think it took like an hour to write one letter. I would never manage to have many pen pals :P There were some doodles and stuff in it though, so whatever. Afterwards I decided to take a walk. I had mentioned it in my letter to Sue, in the context that I usually spent a lot of time outside but up here I hadn't, really.

Hah that was funny. Just after I left the house I started thinking I probably should have worn underwear :P I went down by the walking path that goes around the lake and luckily a lot of snowmobilers go down there so I had a path to walk on. At one point there was a little sliding hill type area that has a big jump made out of a wooden frame with some snow shoveled in. I figured some snowboarders would have fun with that but then saw, to my astonishment, a set of snowmobile ski tracks going off the end. Now this jump is about 5 feet tall at the lip and even though I consider myself quite crazy, I would never take that particular jump with a snowmobile. There just wasn't a real safe landing zone. I couldn't believe it. I examined the tracks for a while to see if maybe the guy had just backed down and couldn't really tell. There was a nasty looking furrow just after the landing hill so maybe someone did try something that stupid.

A little ways down the hill was the cardboard form a 6 pack of beer and an empty coleman propane cannister so hmm maybe there was something else involved there heh. Who knows. At this point I was pretty far out and decided to cut my trip short and go across the lake instead of around. I walked from there to the co-op to buy some rice milk, then to the post office to mail my letter, then home to get to work. I'd decided earlier on that I wasn't mentally read to work and that I'd do a big chunk of labour in the afternoon. When I got home it was like 4 o'clock and the sun was going down. I ate some and remembered I had to write to my grandparents so I did that, then my will to work petered out and I did none all night. Boo. So on one hand I was very pleased to meet my goals for writing to people, but I didn't meet my work goal.

I could write more but this is long already and I still need to eat, make my bed and get cracking. I *will* reach my programming goal today. It's not all bad, really. I've already racked up .. hmm let's see... 23 hours of programming/design in the last 9 days, so I've already earned a month's rent. That means I'm covered up till the end of March for rent and any extra I make can go towards paying off debt. Ok, time to get to it.

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