2004-03-02 - 9:44 a.m.

My head is still ringing...

"I'm sorry..."

"...homewrecker..."

"...deadman."

I had wanted to write it all down, but now I think it's better left to rot away in my memory. I have a new why to add to my list of last night: why didn't I consider Blaine's feelings? In all the talk of not wanting to hurt anyone's feelings, I was oblivious to someone who's given 7 years of their life to something. It's not enough to say that he was looked at as the "bad guy". Regardless if he wasn't doing the greatest job, he still had the right to expect respect. It's not enough that I tried not to go there, tried not to get close to his girl. I feel I owe him an apology, but I know that is a ridiculous idea. The best I can do is respect his wishes now.

Besides, it shouldn't take too long for the future to become clear. I already hoped he would start caring. It may not be what I would have asked for out of the situation, but if that were to happen then the girl and all her children will be much happier. Will he, though? It sounded like an issue of control, like he was willing to fight for the wrong reasons. How should I know? I've never seen them in their natural state. What a mess.

And in all of this, there's a hurt girl who never asked for any of it and had the sky fall on her head. Maybe we're both guilty of simply wanting each other and not having the strength of will to say no to ourselves, even when we knew it was wrong in that circumstance. Maybe we still will meet down the road.

I've sat here for 10 minutes now. Why don't I close the window and stop writing? I'm just not satisfied with this ending...

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