2004-03-02 - 3:13 a.m.

Wow. I can't believe the thoughts I'm having tonight. I've lain awake for almost two hours now with no end in sight and it feels like I've just opened a floodgate of honesty inside.

How can you tell when your milk is dried up? Is there some kind of test you can perform? Would it even occur to a mother to wonder about something like that?

Why have I not seen the shirking of parental responsibility that is evident in leaving feces on a child's bedroom floor for any length of time after having noticed it?

Why have I not seen that I have been lied to?

Why have I not spoken out about giving a child coffee?

Why have I felt guilty about my actions when the people around me are prone to attempting to influence me?

Why did I believe that Michelle was somehow bad for "taking Kris away from me" even though I wouldn't hurt a ladybug, after I demonstrated that I was capable of acts of unlimited agression?

Those are some pretty heavy questions. It feels strange that I don't believe any of them or the possible answers to them will change the way I feel at all. They are just questions that seem so obvious now that I've been avoiding seeing. There are also just the questions I can remember since I finally decided I had to get up and write about them in my diary.

Now I'm really torn about posting this. What is the point of forcing myself to come to grips with some tough problems I see around and within me if I'm not going to even try to solve them or help them to be solved? What would be the point of hiding (or "burying") these important thoughts?

The truth is that the truth hasn't been a very valuable commodity to me lately. I've been coasting along, purposely oblivious to a bunch of big warning signs planted right in front of my face.

Why haven't I seen the insecurity? It seems like unadmitted corruption is at the heart of that one.

Why haven't I been keeping my priorities in mind? I'm now at the last gasp of my credit card and still putting other people's feelings and needs before the work that is vital to my future.

I think I may have an insight. Perhaps the reason I get this insomnia is that I am guilty of some unadmitted corruption of my own. Putting personal pleasure before work is an example. Not seeing glaring flaws staring me in the face is another. Not acting out to help a child in need is another. Not being straightforward about my thoughts and fears with my friends is another.

I don't want this to sound hard on myself. Instead, I'm trying to get to the root of my own dilemmas. It's so ironic, because I know if I was leading the "Christian" life, I would be so much more at peace with myself, but not because god is real and "he" is happy with me if I'm a "good boy", but rather because putting the effort into removing corruption from your life leads to long-term contentment and peace.

It's short-term effort for long-term gain, something I've always struggled with. I can see that some people close to me have the same problem. Not that I have any idea at all what to do about all this.

Please, don't be upset, rather treat this as a cry for help from a friend who wants everything to be better but has only gotten as far as to realize that anything is wrong in the first place.

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