2005-06-15 - 10:55 p.m.

I feel like I may be cycling back toward writing in my diary a lot. I hope so, it's a terrible thing to have lost the habit of.

Like flossing my teeth. I had gotten into the habit of doing it nightly for the longest time.. at least a year I think. It's amazing what depression can strip away from you.

I read some of one of my dear friend's latest diary entries today. All but the latest entries are really really joy-inducing, but then in the latest there is this cryptic one-liner: "it's amazing how much you can lose in a single day". Oh, how I know that feeling.

Just lately I've been working on a new song. Dammit, whatever I may have lost and may yet lose, that is one thing that is never going to get taken away from me.. my guitar, my voice, my music.

I had been flipping through my notebook (thanks Saara.. a really thoughtful gift) when I stumbled across something that started just as an emotion-letting. Heh.. reminds me of another unrelated line I wrote in there.. something about "my blood is ink and letting it calcifies my emotions" or something. I'll have to write that. Anyway, when I got to the end of what I'd written in my notebook, the next lines came to me, and as I went over it a few times, the melody emerged. Now it's going to take some time to figure out how to play the guitar part, but I hear it in my head when I sing it. The lyrics are:


My heart is in the lost and found
someday why don't you come around and look for me

I want to be a treasured thing
that doing without would wound you, bring you rescuing

I'm so alone and missing you
my life, what life without you two?
I'll just go on pretending

I know you said don't call again
and the only way to show I really mean it

is to listen to what you said for once,
a mournful, post-mortem deference to the us I lost.

Michelle, I know I shouldn't think of you, my love.

Michelle, I'd only hurt you, wouldn't I, my love.

Michelle, Michelle.. I love you so.
That's how I found the strength to let you go.

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