2007-11-24 - 12:34 p.m.

Last night I stumbled across my old diary entries. It's not the first time I've gone back and read some, but it's the first time I was so struck by the relevance of the way I was feeling so many years ago with my life today.

Because you see I don't learn very quickly. I am good at figuring out how things work, but I have a very limited ability to stay focused on what I know, instead preferring to go out and find something fun to do.

Suddenly it feels odd writing this in English. It's not my first language, and not even the one I use most anymore, but it's the one the vast majority of my entries on this journal are in, and the one I can enter the quickest at the computer. Not sure how that will pan out, but whatever, this journal is for me, not anyone else who may wander in. For others, as they say, tie your tuque.

One of the first things I have to mention is that I made a goal to go back through all my diary entries and edit out people's names. It's even been mentioned to me that I had blatantly talked about people's private lives on the internet using their first names, and sometimes even their full names. It's funny to think that after only 5 years I have such a different view of reality. I really thought it didn't matter, that my journal was such a small backwater of the internet that no one would make any connections.

The truth is, like so many other instances in my life, my lack of forethought caused serious judgement mistakes where other people's lives are concerned. These are real people, and they just may not want their names mentioned in public along with details of their private lives. I can console myself with "better late than never" but.. well it's still weak.

As may be apparent, I'm in a phase where I am pretty down on myself. Setting aside the thought of whether that is a bad or a good thing, I think the only important thing to retain is that it's caused by my recent "waking up" with respect to what path I'm on, and how little I seem to care about others and myself.

It's very odd, because in some respects I consider myself to be behaving ideally. I really am focused on achieving my personal goals in the sense of doing the greatest good I can with the skills I have. I am a computer programmer and my priority is in using my special talents to do some very important work that could benefit us all. At least I feel like this is slightly unusual and that I'm doing a good thing.

The contrast is in my day-to-day existence where I seem to still be stuck in childhood, consistently doing things to please myself in the short term where I really really really should know by now that in the long run they will cause me pain.

Which reminds me! Yesterday I created a new, updated list of

Rules to avoid pain

1. do what is necessary, now.
2. avoid pondering in the voice of another.
3. avoid consuming unhealthy things.
4. invest effort in maintaining regularity in your friendships.
5. stay focused on what is real.

Seemingly obvious stuff, I know, but this is a very me-specific list, concerned with problem areas I've come up against over and over with apparent improvement.

In another line of thought, I'm again irritated by the way I have of constantly referring to myself. I know this is my private journal and that's kind of expected, but I quickly glance back through what I've written and see I, I, I'm, I, I, I... It's like that night at badminton way back in T------ B-- when I suddenly realised that I was the only one there who was constantly talking about himself / herself. It's a sad and difficult thing to realise, especially when you know that there is very little chance of it changing. I sometimes wonder how people stand me.

This alternates with feelings of euphoria at being so great, and feeling like everyone adores me. Joy.

So.. being a daily journal (that has lapsed for years and years now) I shall strive to get onto a good useful topic and stay there. Uhh I think I was already :P

Hang on.. skin creme...

Ok. Hmm.

Well, it all started yesterday, when I wrote a new entry. It's like the second one for 2007. Remembering that this was once a daily journal, I started typing in random years to find another entry on November 23rd. I think I got back to 2003 before assuming I just hadn't ever written an entry on November 23rd. For fun I went into the entry index, and saw that I had indeed, it was just soooo long ago that I hadn't tried a year that early. I read through that page with great interest, and a few of the following ones. The urge was strong to read them all.

I was surprised at how little I remembered of these feelings and days I was writing of. I was surprised at my own blindness to my failings, like how I tried blaming another programmer for my failure to meet some goals at work. I remember now the truth was that the XML component written by another programmer was excellently done, but since his design style was so modern and smart, I just didn't get it and thought it must be flawed. I thought I was mature at 25 hehe. Well I suppose I will always feel that way reading back on old journal entries.

After reading for a few hours, the determination settled deeper and deeper in me to start writing daily again. There was just something magic about having this small window into my life, into my forgotten past, and especially about the way that crushing pain experienced at the time is hardly a memory anymore. I think the most important point though is that my problems now are the same they were then. Hopefully starting up this journal again on a daily basis will put me onto a path to improvement. I could sure use some.

So.. what is so bad about me anyway? Why all the angst? I read somewhere in my journal that I should face my mistakes with regret, but not shame. Ok, so it's not shameful to be in the process of giving myself lung cancer and fritting away hours of my days stoned and not caring much about anything? How does a person so motivated become someone so dumb. Ah.. a bit of insight just struck me. The same way that the answer to really quitting alcohol was to take it one day at a time, so my shortsightedness leading to continuing to smoke pot has happened slowly, one day at a time.

I hope my future self forgives me for this harshness, but I'm kind of enjoying the release :) Because I have been bad. I regret not trying harder to rid myself of this habit. I don't believe smoking pot in itself is a bad thing, but daily abuse of it definitely is. And it's not like this is a new thought, it's the same old one I had back at the start of this journal.

I remember reading a question I had for myself, about whether I really thought I could ever use this substance in a controlled, responsable way, like once a week for example. The truth is, as long as I let myself have such an outlet, it will loom in my mind in an oppressive way, subtly urging me to act for short term pleasure at the expense of my grip on reality.

I know the truth now, or at least more of it. Maybe the thing to say is I have accepted more of it. Because my use of pot exactly mirrors my use of alcohol, and in fact any other pleasurable "passtime" like video games or whatnot. I am not just an alcoholic, I am someone with a more general mental disease. Put simply, I regularly forget what is best for me and do what I feel like in the moment, unconsciously sacrificing my own future happiness. I say unconsciously, but I wonder if I am really unable to see it, or if it is a choice.

Hmm, this is big talk about disease and stuff. The root of it is my thinking yesterday that after all the time I have spent playing the guitar, I should be a more accomplished guitarist by now. My logic was that because I let myself do as I please, especially with the guitar, that I just haven't put in enough effort to really play well. The root of _that_ is my recent finding of a great cover song by a talented young guitarist / singer. Finding that gave me the feeling that this young person, through earnest effort, was able to quickly learn and perform what for me is a difficult piece, while my old ass stumbles along playing half-melodies, quarter riffs and mostly eigths of solos.

It's coming full circle now. I feel myself getting on the defensive against my own offensive. Because the fact is, I can play, and well. However I'm just not satisfied.

Again and always, this eternal struggle. Am I an under-achiever? Should I expect more from myself? Just because maybe I could do better, does that mean I've failed and that what I have done is worthless?

Logic should prevail here. The truth is, the closest thing I've come to creating my own song happened years ago, and I never bothered to finish it. "Flin Flon", my parting song from one of the places I've lived, is actually a decent tune with ok lyrics and so-so flow. It was only yesterday though that I ran hard up against the fact that it is a failure as a guitar song. The reason is that the strumming pattern I was using was wrong. Now that I have studied and learned some more songs, it is obvious that you have to keep your strumming hand moving, hitting the strings on the upstroke or downstroke, whenever the notes happen to occur, while keeping the beat of your strum even. My playing of the Flin Flon song has always ignored this rule, leading to a broken sounding rhythm, and complete failure of other people to play along with me, even talented musicians.

The worst part is, I have been told this over and over. When I first first played the song, my ex pointed out that there were weird pauses in my strumming where my hand stopped and started again and again. I wrote it off as just my style or some such nonsense, preferring to think that I was different and that my song didn't need to follow the rules. Well, it doesn't! It's just that, if it doesn't, it will suffer for it.

I guess that is the crux of this feeling. I have demonstrated an uncaring attitude about being strict, preferring to believe that it just isn't that important. Age and experience are showing me that, simply, I was wrong.

So where does that leave me? It leaves me on my bed, fumbling to play the Flin Flon song with a proper, even strum pattern. And failing, and failing, because the old way is so burned into my brain by practice.

It hurts, more than I could have expected, because I just now that if I had been more humble early on, I would be farther along than I am now. I wouldn't be having so much difficulty learning a relatively simple song like "lakes of canada".

So I am full of regret. But that isn't a bad thing. It was the impulse I needed to get started again. Because I can still do so much, and so much good. I can still finish the damn song, and write more, and finally, when people ask me to play a song I can stop saying I don't know any, really.

I am starting to feel this fire burning inside, that I really really want to accomplish some things before I die instead of wasting away. I have so much love to give and so much spirit to confront oppression with.. if only I try my best I feel I will succeed.

Who would have thought that a cover song by a 17 year old girl would be the turning point of a melancoly couple of years? Her fearless, selfless way of losing herself in the majesty of a well-written song woke up some part of me inside, and made me love life in a slightly new way. Because I feel that I may be able to overcome the cramp in my throat and really sing my feelings some day, like she does, not forcing out the lyrics or even thinking ahead of time how they should sound, just launching into the thing and trying my best to hang out through the ride. I've learned that takes something I just don't have yet: a solid history of actually trying your best at something, and a humility that lets you stop believing it can be perfect, or should be.

Hah, that really is an odd thought for me, trying my best at something and yet not expecting to achieve perfection.

Funny how I don't feel like I want to stop writing. Now I am thinking of analogies, and they are so true.

Natural Selection, the game featured in those old journal entries, was replaced by Live for Speed. I'm not sure I feel comfortable saying Live for Speed is different. It is after all, a game. But it is kind of like golf. You are always trying for perfection, and measuring your success as the sum of your errors. Also like golf, it is stressful the harder you try, and easier the less you strain.

Like guitar playing, it is more beautiful the more effort you put into it, and the less you expect perfection of yourself.

For the uninitiated, Live for Speed is a racing simulator. The basic premise is that if it happens in a real racecar, it should happen in this simulator, so for instance being out of sync with the clutch during a downshift can easily cause the rear wheels to lock up and the car to spin out of control.

My history in Live for Speed is a lot like my life. At first I was just curious, and had fun exploring what was at the time a vast universe. The universe became small as I finished exploring, so I started spending a lot of time making my own customizations. I slowly improved, but not all that much, since I was trying so hard to already be good at something that takes a lot of time and humility.

Round about last year things started to change. I made a starting (for me) choice one day to actually train instead of just goofing off. Finally tired of joining online races and spinning out eventually at some point, I consciously sat down and conceived a plan of action for improving.

My basic idea was this: drive really really "slow", putting the priority on keeping the car completely in control at all times. At any time where there was an unexpected situation, and I had two choices: try to keep going as fast as possible or lose some time, I would chose losing a little time in exchange for stability. In a word, sacrifice. I would sacrifice my crazy desire to pretend like everything was going peachy in hopes that it might all work out well in the end somehow for a slow, steady approach.

Looking back, it seems obvious, but at the time I was actually quite startled by the result. After only 4 half-hour practice sessions I had reached my goal (of 20 laps in under 30 minutes). Not only that, but I learned an important lesson, and that is that if you slowly and steadily approach a fairly complex problem, the problem becomes simple very quickly. The reason is that, given the slow and steady approach, the problem shows a constant face to you. Because you are continually sacrificing to stay in exactly the right position, the problem's position relative to you becomes increasingly constant.

Before I would invariably find myself on some odd part of the road time and time again, struggling with all my might to get my car back in line with where it should be. This meant that the track ahead was slightly different from lap to lap, and so I was making my problem bigger. By sacrificing speed for stability at all costs, a counter-intuitive speeding up occurred. As I was always at the same place on any given lap, all the laps started to look identical, and the minor adjustments needed to get to a place even closer to perfection made itself clear.

I say all this because I have real honest proof that it was an effective strategy. Being a multi-player simulator, I can directly measure my performance against my peer racers, and the track I trained on became one where I was suddenly winning a much larger percentage of my races. Not only that, but I managed to set a track record where I beat one of the top drivers in the Live for Speed community. Where before I was the laughingstock of Live for Speed (teh Carl), a little humility and effort had made me a feared competitor.

Which brings me back to the guitar. Luckily, I am not a laughingstock at the guitar. That is because no one has heard me play ;) Not exactly true, but close enough. I, however, laugh at myself, and have plenty of proof to back up the fact that I can sound extremely ridiculous as I bend over the neck of my guitar, stoned, trying to play .. something.. I think.

What I want is to capture the magic of musically-rendered emotion. I want that sudden joy, like a fish, a moving light, that you think you saw.

phew. I don't think I did a very good job of staying on a particular topic. My usual. The important thing is the way I feel inside, ready to give a serious effort to writing every day, first thing.

Today I woke up late, and wouldn't actually have gotten out of bed except that the sun was shining. For a few hours in the morning, if I sit on the washing machine in the kitchen, I can get some soul-warming sun to splash down on me. So I did that, methodically munching a bowl of cereal and thinking about writing this essay. I picked up my electric guitar and strummed it, sitting in the sunlight. There is a concept that hasn't changed since my time in Flin Flon :)

To be honest, I have learned to memorize the blues scale across the entire neck of the guitar. If I play consistently and really put myself into it for at least a solid month, I should have it under my fingers enough to think of memorizing the major scale.

I'm kind of beat. I so want to write it all, now, but I know from reading back that the real joy comes in seeing a little snapshot of each day.

Funny, I didn't go into any detail about my dreams, or what entry I left off on. For a change I feel like not poking the rabid dog.

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