2002-12-26 - 9:16 a.m.

Dear Diary,

I'm a little slow getting started this morning, but that's understandable because I was up for a while in the middle of the night. I woke up at 3:30 to go to the bathroom and for some strange reason I started thinking of the night I hit Michelle just as I crawled back into bed. I had been thinking of her in general before I fell asleep so I guess it makes sense, but still, it was a disturbing thought experience.

What I thought of was some of the forgotten bits of the drunken fit I threw while Michelle hid in the bathroom. I don't know why this came back to me, but last night I sort of remembered yelling things at the top of my lungs: "I fucken hate you", "fucken bastard" things like that, over and over. I'm not sure if I'm remembering it right though, and I sort of want to ask Michelle about it because it might give me some peace of mind.

See, I know I hit Michelle in the hallway on the way to the room because she told me that's what happened. And I have the impression I hit her again when we were in the room, but I'm not clear on that. I know I was standing between the beds near the wall and she was standing between me and the mirrors. I don't know why or what we were talking about or anything. The next thing I'm sure of is that she was in the bathroom and I was trashing the room. Now the important thing is that my attention was focused on two things: the mirror and the bottles of alcohol.

I want to know for sure if I was yelling those things because if I was then I think I understand a bit more of what happened that night. What I think happened is that I hit her, and she yelled at me to stop (she told me about that) at which point I think I figured out what was happening and then got pissed at myself. From then on I directed my anger at myself (mirror) and at the liquor. I believe I was yelling at myself about how much I hated myself.

Anyway, I'm not really sure because it's all a big haze.

So.. the family is now awake and surrounding me. I think I'll just finish this up quick and get ready for breakfast. The kids are both coughing which makes me nervous. I don't want to get one of the horrible illnesses that is going around. Yikes.

Ok.. I'm off. This will be a good day :o)

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