2002-11-03 - 5:15 p.m.

Sigh.

I'm depressing myself by thinking of how many tasks I haven't accomplished. Again I find myself butting my head against the

same problem: lack of dilligence to do the things I know I should. Lack of ability to see that long term benefit is worth

the short term effort.

Flossing your teeth prevents cavities. Don't feel like flossing? You'll get cavities. Period.

Having hand-made Christmas presents ready in time requires a lot of work. Don't feel like doing the work? You won't get the

present done like you wanted. Period.

Somewhere along the line while I was growing up, my brain got some wires connected the wrong way and now I have an inadequacy

where it comes to realizing that my actions carry direct impact on the near and semi-distant future. I forget everything but

the moment and have a lacksadaisical attitude. Then I get mad at myself.

So, on to the two diary reviews I have to do. One for the past week and the other for the week before, which I forgot to do.

Hmm.. I've read a bit into it so far.. a few days worth. One thing to mention is that I seem to recall reading over these

already. I should make sure I didn't go back too far...Weird. It looks like I actually forgot about two diary reviews in a

row and so now I'm reading over three weeks worth of entries instead of two. I just skipped to the first sunday of those

three weeks and that day I slept in till like 11:00 and then didn't do a bunch of things including a financial review, so I

probably just plumb forgot about the diary review. Sigh.

On the plus side, I mention that my foot is twitching a lot and that I don't think it has to do with my boot being too tight.

I was wrong about that, my foot hasn't twitched in ages and I'm sure it was my boot being too tight. The circulation was

getting cut off there...

Ok, I'm positive I read over these entries at some point already. It's all just too familiar, I can remember for sure that I

read this one. That makes me wonder if I had started to do a diary review and then got a call or something and went off

instead of finishing it? I think that sounds right. Sad.

Ok, crap. I get it now. I just wrote the diary review at the end of my regular entry. Sadder. I want to go back and erase

the "Sad." I wrote up there. I thought it was wrong as I wrote it. But anyway, not to let myself forget.. I already did a

review for the week I just finished reading, so on I go to the next two weeks. Yikes

Here is a scary part: "I didn't do all the things I should have done on a Sunday, but I didn't seem to care. I don't even

feel like it really matters. But this means that everything is falling apart" It's true, I do get the impression that things

are falling apart. But then I think.. I'm not that badly off. I'm not drinking. I'm not abusing any substances, actually.

I'm sleeping well and regularly. I'm playing my guitar every day. I read my AA book every day. It's more a matter of

setting my expectations very high and then feeling like there is a build-up of failures. I keep feeling like I have to go

back and finish every little thing before I move on, but then after the build-up piles up to a certain height I feel like all

my effort isn't enough to finish that off and so I can't move forward any more.

Gah.. And now whenever I hit enter the stupid wordpad moves down two lines instead of one. I even went so far as to save

this to make sure it was text-only and no special formatting applied.

Crap.

Ok, now I'm in Notepad. And it turns out that it just looked like I was moving down two lines. Well, at least this way what

I see is what I get, whereas before it was "type some shit and it'll get formatted in a nearly random way". That should be

Microsoft's motto: TSSAIGFIANRW. Perfect.

Hmm.. I just read the entry where I describe having a very strange dream. There are a few things I want to write about this

entry. First, it's not written very well. If I wasn't the one who'd had the dream, I wouldn't be able to follow the

description at all. I barely sketched it in enough for my memory to be able to follow the details.

Second, I started out by saying I wanted to write about two things, one being something I remembered that I thought was a

real memory but that turned out to be a dream I'd had within the last year but subsequently forgotten. I never did write

anything about this dream memory. I wish I had because now I'm curious. It's not like me to forget something like that.

About the dream itself.. the most interesting part is where I get into a car with three children and behave badly as a

parent. I don't know if I feel any differently about the dream after two weeks have gone by. It's still a scary memory. I

really wish I wasn't like that inside, but I'm afraid I am. Sigh.. I don't have the energy to write any more.

Oh, small note here. The entry I'm reading now talks about getting through "Interference", a level in Space Taxi, without

losing a guy, and then I go on to mention that's not as impressive as getting through "Blizzard" or "Fast Break" without

losing a guy. It turns out that soon after writing that entry, I did almost make it through both those levels without dying,

but both times I died stupidly, so I got shafter by the gods of luck. :oP

Ok.. here is a good line ;o) "mouth is already watering (literally hehe) thinking about eating some of these luscious

beauties after they came out of her oven." I have a sick mind, I can't help it.

I've been reading entries for at least 45 minutes now. I have a headache. My neck is sore. All I can think of is how I

want to take a walk down the path to Ron's and play a few games of pinball so I can get outside and get some fresh air before

badminton. If I want to have time, I should leave soon. Then I'm thinking I still have several days of entries to read. I

could finish reading them first, but then I might not have time for pinball. I could go to pinball first, but then I might

not have time to finish this review.. and we all now how bitchy I get when I don't finish my diary reviews.. sigh.

Then I think that I know the rest of the entries are shorter cause I haven't been giving a lot of effort to writing lots in

my diary lately. Ok, I'll finish the review first.

Ok, it's not just my imagination. I've noticed a definite lack of energy and increase in laziness as time wears on. The

season is definitely affecting me. I want to eat more and my body always wants to sleep. I!.. I will survive! Yeehaw!

Fucky you, winter!

Bitch.

La de da.. I'm waiting for diaryland to load the next page...

Stillllll waiting.

Maybe I should quit with the horizontal lines. Or not. Who cares? I don't. Load page, load. You can doooo eeeet!

Ok, I finally just aborted and retried and it loaded right away. Makes you wonder, don't it?

Ok, two entries that were written on paper cause I was reinstalling my computer, and one super cheap entry cause I was tired

from being out late with Sarah. Not much more to read, then :D

Alright. Done. Like it was a task. Well, yes. I think it's smart to read over my entries from the past week on Sundays

because then if I said I would do something and forget, I can see it, and if I had some great idea (like the :D smilie

translation idea :o) Then I will remember it.

Ok, small victories. Time to go to Ron's .. mostly getting outside for a walk. Can't remember the last time I walked that

far. Have to hurry.. I only have 1 hour to get back here so I can drive to Jamie's and pick him up. First I have to get my

badminton stuff ready and then put in my contacts.

Weee! Bye.

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