2002-11-05 - 8:21 a.m.

--Tuesday--

Entry time :o)

I had the strangest dream last night. I dreamed that Pam wanted me back. I don't know why I thought it was Pam specifically, but I got a bunch of papers and cards and stuff with notes written on them about how it wasn't my fault, it was all her, or some such nonsense. When I saw that, I thought of Michelle and thought it applied to her. There were pictures of Winnie the Pooh and friends in various places on the papers. The card said something about it being her fault and her wanting to try again.

I felt strange when reading this stuff. Like it was exactly what I wanted, but I didn't believe it, or I refused to believe it because it was too good to be true. I don't remember exactly how this came to pass, but I was at some sort of big house with a lot of people living in it, or at least some sort of party going on. It felt like a commune though because people were sleeping all over the place. Then I was given these papers and I went out to my car to read them. Then I went back into the house looking for Pam. Still don't know why I thought it was Pam.

I found her and we sat on a couch and I asked her about the stuff. She acted genuine and I thought maybe that it was for real. She was basically just acting coy and interested and talking about me emotionally. I leaned over and we cuddled for a while and god did it feel good to cuddle with someone. It's been a while since I cuddled/hugged someone in a dream and it was the same feeling as last time.. just bliss.

This is when things get strange. I started rubbing her back and slipped my hand under her shirt, and she said something to the effect of "whoah not down there" or something. That was like a cue for things to get weird. She proceeded to get naked while everyone else in the room dropped at least most of their clothes and some others got naked. Pam then stood there naked, but she was really flabby, and she was feeling her skin and making fun of herself, but laughing at the same time. She was scratching her arms and her boobs too, and there were big patches of rough skin around her nipples where she had scratched incessantly.

Then she sat on a coffee table and put a condom on her dick.. so bizarre, and then some naked guy came over and I thought was going to sit on her. That weirded me out so bad that it didn't actually happen, instead the dream changed to something sick: she was looking like a guy by now, and this guy jerked himself off with the condom on and also bent over double and tried sucking himself while cumming.

So this dream that started out with so much positive feeling ended up being very disturbing and gross. I think it was subconscious being revolted by my fantasies that Pam/Michelle would want me back.

I'm almost feeling that was TMI based on how I've written most of this diary, but whatever, it's my dream and so it makes it ok somehow.

I want to make pancakes this morning. That's kind of strange since I usually don't eat much but I really feel like having more to eat. I was going to eat a snack when I got home last night but I didn't cause it was already 10:15.

Last night I read the instruction manual for my CD player (I've had it for a year) and I found out that I can set an alarm on the thing and have it play a CD when the alarm goes off. I was pretty impressed by that and decided to try it. Unfortunately, I figured using the ocean sounds CD would be as good a wake-up as it was for getting to sleep. Any kind of noise wakes me up. Well, I did wake up at 7:00 but I didn't get out of bed until 7:47 so I think I'll have to either ditch the idea of using music to wake up or ditch the idea of using music to go to sleep. Right now I have more trouble going to sleep...

Last night I had a good AA meeting. It'd been a few weeks since I made it to this one, and I really enjoyed it there. I ended up staying late for the business meeting and volunteering to chair two meetings this month. There really isn't a lot to do when chairing a meeting and it'll be a good reason for me to make sure I get to the meetings. I also volunteered to bake cookies for the 25th which is a special gratitude pot-luck meeting. It's also Peter's 6th anniversary of being sober so I'm looking forward to that. It's on the 25th. It's going to be a busy month, what with these special meetings, the symphony on the 28th (my 3 month goal anniversary :o) and the area gratitude supper which I'm volunteering for.

My biggest challenge though is going to be working on the cross-stitch. I still haven't started. I need to stop playing Diablo 2 since it can easily suck up all my spare time. Also, I set aside about 8 days on the calendar to work on the christmas present and I only actually did anything on 1 of those days.

I don't think I have time for pancakes. It's already 8:20 and I still need to make a lunch. I do have bagels at the office though, so if I eat a big meal like that then I can just bring a sandwich and I'll be fine. Oh, I also have some cheap day-after-halloween chocolate. Hehehehe. So yeah, pancakes and a sandwich :o)

Ta ta

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