2002-11-06 - 7:52 a.m.

Today is the day for finding old slippers and shirts. And my darts. Didn't know I still had those.

It's getting really cold at night so I'm going to have to take down the fleece sheets that my roommate nailed to the wall as temporary curtains. I've been thinking about it for days and this morning I woke up in the wee hours and felt freaking cold so I'm planning on doing a switch tonight. The old table cloth is going up as the "curtain" in the living room and roomie will have to find something else to nail to his wall after I retrieve my fleece sheet from his window.

Badminton was cancelled without warning last night due to some problems with the school at which it's held. They always seem to have this problem of double-renting the gym or just not have enough communication in the building to warn the badminton club that something else is going on for a certain night. Strangely enough, Marian from the club called and said we have the gym for Thursday this week as a replacement night. I hope I can make it, although that might be the night that Ardie wants me to go over. I could probably do both, badminton isn't till 7:30.

So anyway, after driving to badminton to find out it wasn't happening, I decided to call Tanis when I got back home. The idea was to spend the evening trying out her actual recipe for the first time. However, she said she was about to head out for a meeting and I paused for a second, wondering if there was a third AA meeting that she had started attending before I realized that, hey, CR meetings are held on Tuesdays. I used to go every Tuesday before badminton started up. Duh. So anyway, I went there and the meeting was great :o) It reminded me that I really need to get started on the steps.

I remember thinking just recently that I had reached a sort of plateau where I was already doing the things I wanted to do and just had to keep it up. But I'm so wrong! I haven't done any of the steps except the first one. I know I'm going to spend a lot of time translating "god" out of the language of the steps to make sense of what they really mean underneath. I've already done some of this thinking and so I know it's possible, but I did that in the sense of needing to understand what the program was about instead of needing to carry out each actual step.

So yeah, I remember all those nights ago after that last conversation with Michelle where I decided to start the program from the beginning and didn't quite make it to step one. I didn't continue in that trend though. I should put some step work in my weekly task list. Oh! I bought a 12 and 12 book (12 steps and 12 traditions) last night so that should help. I can reread the step we read last night to be reminded of my slothfulness, which is probably the main reason I haven't accomplished my weekly tasks. And the Christmas project. And that my diary entries have gotten shorter and shorter and shorter as time wears on. At least it feels that way.

I guess what it really comes down to is this: do I really want to improve, or am I happy enough just being someone who isn't a complete fuckup? The reading last night talked about not trying to achieve real perfection of character, but just wanting to be perfect enough to get by. It's only what I've been told my whole life, and what I've known about myself deep inside.

I think one of my more serious problems is this subtle belief that successful people don't have to work hard at being successful. When I see someone else who accomplishes so much more than me, I think they are lucky that they have it so easy, but I'm so wrong! They are working their asses off day after day instead of getting high and playing Diablo 2. So far since August 17th I've only gotten back into playing Diablo 2 but already I've lost a lot of time that could have been used on something better. Something better in the sense that after I had spent that time I could feel proud and I would have worked myself up, built up my foundation a little higher, instead of.. what? being able to say that Haley is now a level 29 expansion character? What the fuck does that mean in the outside world???

K, breakfast time.

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