2002-11-19 - 9:05 a.m.

Well, some thing have improved and some things have gotten worse.

Oooh.. I just remembered one of the comments I wanted to make last night but forgot cause my mind was too full. When I read "We claim spiritual progress, not spiritual perfection", it means two different things to me. First, it's ok if I screw up occasionally, as long as I'm always trying to improve then I'm doing the job. But on the other hand, it also means that the goal will never be reached, and that means that my job will never be done. No matter how well I'm actually behaving, if I ever stop trying to be better, then I have failed. That's a tough one to swallow and it may actually be the key in my case. I think I have far too much of the (common) belief that if I only try hard enough and proceed far enough, then I'll be able to kick back and live a life of ease and luxury without having to do any work.

I want to be 3 years old again and that just isn't going to happen. I guess it's only a problem because I remember those days so clearly. If I had no memories of my earlier years then I wouldn't know what I was missing, would I? Unfortunately (at least in this respect), my memories go back quite far, quite clearly and in great number.

I bought crappy orange punch last night at A&P. I admit I bought three cans because it was $0.50 a can, even after I read the ingredients list: water, sugar, various concentrated juices. Shit, looking at that now it's clear there's even more sugar than juice in this stuff. At the time, though, my thinking was that at least I would be getting the vitamins and such I want from the juice. Ennnnnhh Wrong. Not enough juice in here at all. Ooh.. I think the sun is rising because my window just got brighter.

I have to leave because it's already after 9:00. I can't remember the last day I woke up on time.

I'm failing. I'm in a continual state of failure as long as I stay in this rut of not trying.

Oh! I can't leave without writing that I chaired my second meeting last night, which went very well. Also, I got my 3 month chip last night!!!! Wooo! Go me! :) I know I was leaving the entry on a bad note and partly I think I need to be less harsh on myself. That's another constant struggle.

Anyway, it's a day for rejoicing because I've made it for three months! And later this month I reach my first 3 month goals.. W00t!

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