2002-11-20 - 9:21 p.m.

Dear Diary,

Well, today was very nearly the first day since August 28th that I didn't write an entry.

I just got back from the volunteer pool, and I think that decision to go relax and have a sauna and whirlpool instead of staying in the world of Natural Selection was the single best decision I've made in a long time. I want to go back and read that August 28th entry to see if I'm remembering my goals right...

Oh, well, ok I didn't have a goal to have written in my diary every day, but still.. I would have been very upset if I had forgotten today.

And I very nearly did. I need to explain a bit more. Just this past Saturday I played Natural Selection for the first time. There isn't anything particularly special about this game, although it is fantastic and very addictive. Rather, it's a typical behaviour for me to throw every available moment -- and some moments that aren't available -- into my latest fad activity. I've played Natural Selection at work a few times.. ostensibly during "lunch hour", but what is lunch hour when you do absolutely no work that day? Might as well call it "lunch day".

Ok, I'm going in a lot of directions at once and not finishing any thoughts.. and I'm also being negative. I'm kind of shell-shocked right now. I'm having a calm moment and .. realizing and seeing aren't the words I'm looking for .. but something like that; being eerily aware of the things I've been ignoring lately. Things like work, my goals, my dedication, my dilligence, my projects, my calendar, my budget, my dishes, my self. In my quest for "happiness" by playing this super fun game, I've driven away the very thing I was after. My joy these days is wispy and passing quickly before the stormclouds of my brooding discontent.

Right now I am fighting -- and I do mean waging a real war -- against myself. I so desperately want to play that game. It is 9:11pm and I have to get sleep in me because I was up till 3am last night and I have many full days ahead. I just came back from an hour of relaxing saunas and whirlpools, and I want to subject my brain to bright flashing lights, booming buzzing sounds, intricate and demanding tactical situations and near-continuous reflex-stressing repetitive motions. If I were to play now, my mind would still be reeling from it when I tried to go to sleep in an hour, and that is if I really were able to stick to my desire to be in bed by 10:30 tonight.

I can only call such desires insane.

The word "insane" is one that I don't like and that I'm certainly not using lightly. It's something I've come to realize applies to some of my thinking since I've been exposed to the healing power of AA. Sitting there in a room full of desperate people trying desperately to help each other and hearing someone say exactly what I was really thinking of myself but was afraid to think out loud... that was a powerful learning experience. I'm thinking of the time that Gerry talked about how her behaviour was insane, and described some of the things that were happening when she was drinking as examples. Of course none of those things were any worse than the stuff I had done, but I hadn't been able to label myself or my actions or decisions as insane.

But honestly speaking, when a person drives themselves into the ground and into unhappiness, can you call that sane? When they literally turn a good beginning to a good life around and crash it into the ground on purpose, not only knowing full well what they are doing, but somehow almost wanting to fail.. what else can you call it?

phew. This was a good entry.

My life has become very complicated. If I go back into my room and look at my master goal sheet, I know what I will see written next to "1.".. that goal is "simplify". The only way I can think of to do that is to restrict how much time I allow myself on the computer since I'm obviously destroying my peace of mind with it.

That's enough. Plenty of thoughts to ponder. Time for a wind-down to bed.

I'm glad I kept a constructively critical tone throughout this entry. I'm trying not to blame myself for failing but rather just let myself see what I'm doing and be aware of it.

Tomorrow morning will be better.

Good night.

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