2002-11-24 - 10:15 a.m.

I'm kind of idling in an in-between state. Things aren't as bad as they could be or as good as I'd like. I'm getting enough sleep, usually, but it isn't very regular. I'm playing Natural Selection, but not all the time. I'm letting some of my goals slide, but not all of them. I'm actually improving on a day to day basis. I feel like the frickin stock market... I'm in a recession and it doesn't necessarily have to become a depression, but it's far from the glory days when all my indices were flying high. Still, now would be a good time to invest, right? ;o)

I propped the "curtain" up against the top of the window this morning. Kinda hard to explain, but because we hang a table cloth in front of the window, it's not easy to open it to let the sun in. It really helps to be able to see outside and have some natural light in the living room. I'm a person who loves the outdoors and can't stand being shut in without windows. That's exactly how it is at work but I deal however I can. Also, it seems contradictory for me to say something like that since I'm such a video game addict, but I think I would rather take a bike ride in a sunny field today than play Natural Selection.

My goals for the day are to do my laundry and to bake cookies. I need to make some kind of dessert for the meeting on Monday, seeing as it's a dessert potluck. If I fail miserably in my quest I can always buy something(s) to bring, but that's really not my intention. Hmm.. that meeting is tomorrow. Yes, I can't dawdle on this task. I have already been thinking that I can play NS this morning while I'm doing my laundry but I know how easily 5:00pm could roll around in only 7 short hours and then where would I be without my cookies for tomorrow night? I'd be at A&P on the way to the meeting buying some cheap replacement "I really care about you people" 'desserts'. Oi.. aren't I the spiteful one. Self-spiteful.

That reminds me.. I haven't written poetry in a long long time. I think I can only have one artistic/creative thing going on at one.. sketching, music, playing guitar, writing. It seems like I only have enough creative energy to do one of those things at a time. And I don't mean that I wish I could sketch and write at the same time, just in the same week say.

No direction.

No way home.

I cried in my dreams last night. Michelle and I were hugging.. it was a strange interlude in our 'relationship' and for some reason she was closer to me, yet I knew she was with someone else or at least not interested in me. Still, I was hugging her for some reason and it happened a few times in the dream, and the last time she said something to the effect that she didn't want me to take these hugs the wrong way. Then I remember hearing my own voice pleading "please... please..." and that was a real memory cause that's what happened as I crawled across her new living room floor in a crying pitiful heap, dying inside.

I don't know when I'll ever get past that feeling.

So, I'm off to bake some cookies! Some wonderful cookies of oz.

Bye.

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