2002-10-08 - 7:33 a.m.

Ok. I just stopped myself from reading some crap on the weather network instead of doing my diary entry. If I let myself keep going, then one day I would find I had surfed the morning away and had no time to write in my diary. That would suck because I've written every morning since August 29th and I want to keep up the good work.

This morning I got up at 6:09 having to pee. At first I was just going to go back to bed, but then I decided that since I was getting up in a few minutes anyway, I might as well pee right away and lay in bed in comfort until my alarm went off. When I got back in bed, I realized it was just after 5am, not 6am. So that meant I could sleep for another hour! Woo! The problem is, if it had really been almost 6:30, my mind would have been in a certain state that would have lead directly to sleep. Since I knew I had an hour to sleep in, I felt like I wouldn't be able to fall asleep. I hate that! I did end up falling asleep, though, and I dreamed of Michelle.

It was just before I woke up. We were in a kitchen that felt like my grandparent's house in Elliot Lake. Michelle asked me if I wanted a hug, and I was shocked but instantly thrilled. We hugged and oh yeah! I just remembered.. she felt really skinny. I said so, and she said I felt skinny too. Weird. And then the hug was ending but I sort of kept my arms around her to the last minute as we parted. Then I kissed her. It was kind of like such a natural movement that "she didn't even realize" (as I in my dream state explained it). She was really surprised and .. dismayed I guess, but we kissed again and again. She occasionally would say "no" half-heartedly, but still...

It was obvious where this was going. I remember something else just now.. as she was acting kind of unsure (with the "no"s) I let her push me back across the kitchen and against the counter. She wanted me. Enough said. She said something about the time and how we would have to do it in the living room. So we moved back to the living room and I laid her down. I kissed her neck some.. we were just totally ready. We got naked and then.. the dream didn't work out. It never does. I wonder why I even bother, or fail to remember that I'm just teasing myself.

Anyway, for some reason I decided to 69 with her, and whoah.. tmi really.. she had a penis.. weird.. and then her vagina was full of blocks of salt. It looked crusty like the apple fritter I ate for dessert/lunch at Norma Jean's yesterday. And below the crust were big crystally blocks.. I figured they were salt. I sat there cleaning all this out and scraping it away, and then I just woke up. What a wonderful ending to such a promising dream. But.. well, it ended that way because I didn't feel right about it.

Ohhhhh.. now I remember the part that led up to this. Yes, I started the dream by spending time with my daughter. Not Kris, someone younger, either that or a younger Kris. I remember loving this child so much and spending every moment with her. We were playing in some park type thing and she was going down a little slide, and I clearly remember walking with her from the bottom of the slide up the little staircase back to the top. She was so little she got down on all fours to go up the stairs and I said "you're so cute". She didn't talk yet. It was a really nice dream. And as the child got comfortable enough to keep going on the slide by herself, Michelle came into the picture. I remember thinking that because I was being such a good dad that Michelle would love me.

I also just remembered that she said she loved me while we were kissing. Several times. I said I loved her too. Funny, about that dream.. because I really have said goodbye inside. I don't expect her to ever come back or even talk to me voluntarily again, so why dream something like that? Oddly enough, the girl in the dream acted a lot like Pam. I was thinking about it this morning and I think that's part of the reason: because Pam and I used to act like that after we broke up: spend time together, get carried away by old emotions, have sex, feel bad, rinse and repeat. Even the way the girl in the dream told me she loved me was kinda un-Michelle. I can't explain it but I feel as though it was a combination of Michelle and Pam. Just like the dream with the drug bust where she walked to the car I was sitting in.

Oh, going back even farther I was at a lan party in real life and I was throwing grenades into a little house. Dan and Smyk were in the house, and was lobbing grenades in through the window. It was like "total war III" or some crazy fps multiplayer game where you could take a rocket launcher to the face and not die. But I think this dream was before I woke up to go to the bathroom. I had some pretty strange dreams last night. It's weird that I don't remember them until I start to remember the latest, and thinking about it reminds me of another part, and thinking of that part reminds me of another part, etc. Otherwise I believe the thoughts would have been lost to memory completely.

I got my hair cut yesterday. It feels ten times better now. I'm looking forward to biking without developing a disastrous mop of floppy straggly hair. Not much more to say about that! Phew.

Last night I went to Grandview AA meeting for the first time. I remember being a little nervous when I first thought of going to a "strange" AA meeting, but .. well for one half the people there were people I knew from the other group, but mostly it was just the fact that any AA meeting is the same.. everyone understands you, everone is glad to see you there, everyone wants to hear what you have to say.

Of note at the meeting last night, I was awarded a one-month chip! I got cheered for and everything. It was grand. I immediately thought that I would give the thing to Kris some day. I believe I will, once I make a slightly bigger collection. I want it to serve two purposes: one, that I apologize for acting wrong and taking her daddy away, and second to show her how much I loved her and still love her, because I based my recovery in large part on thoughts of her and that strength helped carry me through. I'm sure it will be a good gift when it's time.

I may also keep them. I'm not sure, it'll come to me when the time is right.

You know, not much else happened last night. Maybe it's cause I watched a new family guy episode after my haircut and that was pretty much all the time I had for the evening. I did play my guitar after I got home. I poured a bath and played some. I read my AA book in the bath then got into bed and played on my guitar some more. I guess I small note is that I tuned the bottom two strings a lot lower just for fun. I made it so the last three strings on the guitar made a sad chord. It suited my general mood for the last while. I'm happy on a day to day basis but I know I'm still not back in my usual mood.

Tonight is badminton night. Wee! Hopefully work goes well. I know I'll get a good sense of accomplishment when I finish the image resizing algorithm. I first mentioned wanting to finish it almost a week ago, and in that diary entry I said "I should be able to finish it today". I think that was more a case of laziness than overestimation, but whatever.. I should be able to finish it today. hehehehehehehe :o)

Au revoir.

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