2002-09-10 - 7:45 a.m.

Dear Diary,

what a shitty start to the day. I woke up at 4:something am thinking I had to go to the bathroom but not really needing to go. I wasn't able to get back to sleep by 6:30 because I couldn't stop thinking of Michelle. What a waste of time.

It's raining out today. I need some hand cream...

Yesterday I didn't lift a finger at work. I spent all my time reading Lisa's online diary from october 2001 to present.

It sucks that I am going to have to clean all the parts of this apartment that Kris drew on while Michelle wasn't paying attention. I'm saying that because the monitor still has colouring on it. How stupid do you have to be to leave markers within reach of a 3 year old at all times?

The worst part is that I'm fighting myself. I know Michelle and I are not together, and so I know that it is best if I don't think about being with her, yet I still do. So I am thinking about something I don't want to be thinking about. That really sucks.

Lately when I think about the whole situation, I'm feeling really angry.

I'm angry because Michelle really believes I could suddenly turn on her or Kris and hurt them.

I'm angry because Michelle is throwing away such a good relationship.

I'm angry because I got into a relationship with someone so much younger than me and set myself up for this kind of thing.

I'm angry because I read back over our first MSN conversations and there's no way in hell I was supposed to think that she had no intention of ever being with me again.

I'm angry because I still don't feel like I know the real answer to why she left me.

I'm angry because my new room mate plugged in the coffee maker and left it on while it was empty for the last two days. I just heard it tick now as the heater was switching off or on.

I'm angry because I know one day Michelle is going to realize her mistake but by then it will be too late.

I'm angry because Michelle is choosing not to deal with things and instead ignore them. Instead of trying to fix a good thing she finds it easier to leave it in pieces and move on to something else.

It reminds me in so many ways of how I was, and how I still am. From reading Lisa's diary, the one thing that I associated with the most was that of knowing I had to do something and avoiding it and hoping it would go away, then when I figured I had just enough time left to deal with it, trying my hardest, then giving up while trying because it was too hard, then being upset about it later. I mean, why set ourselves up for disappointment and then be disappointed when it happens? What is wrong with us that makes us do these things and not stop? I feel like I've got the answer now, now that I'm dealing with each day as it comes and trying to make the best of it.

I really stopped putting off things I didn't want to deal with and I'm feeling way better for it. Michelle is still putting off the things she needs to think about, preferring to get stoned and drunk as usual and drink 5 cups of coffee a day at all hours. Poor Kris. At least when she had two half-functional parents that was equal to 1 whole parent. Now she's going to have to wait for Michelle to grow up. I can only hope that'll happen faster without me around than it would have with me around. Somehow I don't doubt that.

So where does that leave me now? I'm just sitting here blank. That must mean I need more short term goals, more things to tackle and get done so I can feel good about myself instead of wondering what to do. I think the secret we're looking for is to give ourselves small achievable things and be consistent in achieving them. It's like trust.. you have to risk a little bit to gain a little bit of trust, but then you feel better. If you keep risking little bits and gaining little bits, then over time you build a solid trust and you can risk more on it and gain more. Eventually you switch over inside and get complete trust, and that feels wonderful.

It's the same with accomplishments. First you give yourself a small thing to do, then make sure that gets done. Then you give yourself more small things to do, slowly, making sure not to overload yourself, and when you keep getting them done you'll realize you can tackle something a bit bigger. Eventually, as you keep accomplishing more and more you gain experience and know what you can and can't do and what you can expect from yourself. You stop letting yourself down. You start being proud of yourself. Then you make that switch from someone who thinks they're going to fuck everything up to someone who realizes they may not be superhuman but they can sure accomplish a lot. And you get a peace.. a serenity from that, from knowing where you're at.

It's the same for both the concepts: trust and accomplishments. And I got the answer from AA. You could look at a large accomplishment and think "Man, I could never get that done." Actually, that applies to all of us..

Alcoholic: I could never avoid alcohol for the rest of my life

Lisa: I could never write an essay the day it was handed out instead of the day before it was due

Michelle: I could never trust Carl.

Notice the repetitive "I could never". That's because the person really feels like they're not up to the task.. they know from past experience that they've failed the times before, so they keep expecting failure.

Well the alcoholic for one gets an answer that works: stop drinking for 24 hours. Anyone can do that, right? You just have to forget about your past failures and think "hey, I can at least stop for 24 hours" Of course they can, and probably 99% of the time they think to themselves "because I can have a drink on the 25th hour". The reason the secret works is that by the time the 25th hour rolls around they have a sudden renewed confidence. They just made it through the last 24 hours without a drink, so why shouldn't they be able to make it through the next 24? Why, they can always have a drink on the 25th hour from now if it's absolutely necessary.

It's the same thing in all situations. Instead of thinking "I have to finish the whole essay the day it's handed out", Lisa could just think "I will get one book related to my essay the day it is handed out. I mean really, who can't get just one book? But she'd already be farther ahead of the game than she was.

Michelle's case is the exact same. She looks at the idea of trusting someone for the rest of her life as impossible. It's the same despairing thinking: every time I've tried this before, it has failed. Why should I try again? *How* should I try again? I can't!

If she trusted that person for 1 day, then it would work. She could make it through that one day without thinking I was going to come around some corner with a baseball bat and club her like a seal. I'm sure she doesn't think I'd flip in 24 hours. But then by some miracle, when the 24 hours was up, she'd realize she could trust me for the next 24.

Damn, it sucks to even think about answers to the questions. I have absolutely no purchase in Michelle's mind. I have no gripping point, no angle to get it. The wall goes all the way around.

Maybe that's not true. I'm leaving those last lines in there as a testament of my own childishness.

What I'm feeling is that even if I know how it works, I can't explain it to Michelle because her mind is closed to any solutions. All that means is I have to wait. But as soon as I think that, my mind goes back to Niki. A year later, and she is still thinking of the guy who isn't coming back. I mean, I don't know if he's coming back, but he hasn't yet and so he probably won't. I could say the same about Michelle. She hasn't shown one iota of interest in talking to me in the last 3 weeks.. what possible reason do I have to believe she will in the next 3 months?

Besides.. if I waited three months and then told her this idea of trusting me for 24 hours, I can guess what her answer would be: Carl, I made a promise to myself. She wouldn't even consider it. It wouldn't even enter her head. Her mind is so closed it's scary.

See? I always get back to this catch-22. I'm always in this bind. If I'm right about that, then I don't want to be with her. If Michelle were really that unreasonable, then I wouldn't be thinking about her still. But if she isn't that unreasonable, there's still a chance we could be together. And that's just as bad as thinking the other way. *shiver*

It's like the only solution is not to think of her at all. But then I fear losing something that might still be salvageable. I was like that with Pam, and in retrospect, lying in bed this morning at 5am, it seems so obvious that I needed to forget about her. So what's so different about Michelle? Why do I think there is something worth saving? Is it just because we had 3 years of happiness together? That must be it. Just because we dealt with every problem that came along and I could really see us married till death do us part. I still can't believe she didn't mean it when she said she'd marry me. She couldn't have if she was willing to give me up so quickly. Our engagement was a promise, and she gave the impression she was willing to promise to stay with me forever. Now I can't believe that, and that hurts a lot.

Wow.. rambles. At first I thought I should just quit writing, but then I got some good things out that I'm glad are recorded for me to read over. I'm sure it will be educational to review how I dealt with this thing. I wish I had the luxury of hindsight to settle my mind and my heart now.

Well.. I guess I could pretend I'm my future self, reading this.

Let's see.. it's ten years from now. I'm 36. I'm married. Not to Michelle. And I'm happy. There. Happy? Not what you wanted to hear? Man.. how can I live in the now when I hate myself. But I don't. I'm just depressed and upset. I'm such a child.

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