2002-09-25 - 11:44 a.m.

Aha!

I just "got" something really obvious, the way I tend to do, in a sudden burst of realization-in-the-moment.

I am acting at every moment. I mean acting in the sense of performing some action. Even when I'm asleep, I'm acting, my body is doing things.

Anyway, at any given time I have control over my actions. (This is the case from now on although it wasn't always so, obviously) I decide what to do with my time, and so if I decide to waste, I accomplish nothing for that period of time, and if I decide to be dilligent, then that time will be productive.

The point is, it's happening all the time, whether I'm conscious of it or not. I just got the feeling that I'm not aware of my actions most of the time. I'm so caught up in myself and my internal thoughts that if I saw myself from the outside I would realize that there is a body mostly at rest that is not really being operated or controlled in a useful way.

I'm not saying I have to be doing something useful at every waking moment, but I am saying that I have to be dilligent during certain times and to do that I need to stay conscious of my actions.

I'm the kind of person that needs a direct correlation between work and results. Most of the time in my field, though, you can work for a hell of a long time before you see any results. So I need to stay focused on the task of the moment, making sure I'm actually acting such that I'm moving forward and sticking with things. I need to fight myself on this, especially at first, but it will get easier.

I really wanted to write this. I don't know why particularly. But I haven't lost the feeling, quite. I will act toward my goals, and more importantly I will focus on staying conscious of my actions.

My goal is to stay conscious of and be conscientious in my actions for the rest of the work day.

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