2002-09-26 - 8:31 a.m.

Gee, I need a way to start this every morning. A standard greeting or something to get me started. But I already abandoned the "Dear Diary" way. Maybe I should rate how I feel on a scale of 1 to 10. The problem with a standard greeting is that after you type it, you still have to come up with what to say next. Hmph.

This morning I feel fairly good, in a defiance of depression sort of way. Last night was hell trying to get to sleep, my dreams were full of thoughts of Michelle, and my head was still full of thoughts of her this morning.

I'll start with work being ok yesterday. We had a progress meeting where I was able to announce that my tasks were almost done and were going to be finished by the deadline. That was a good positive note for the day. I accomplished several various tasks and the project inched forward by just that much. That's good too, because some days I work in reverse and end up with more to do than when the day had started. I'm finally getting back to programming the main client again and a lot of things have changed with it. It's amazing, thinking back, on how far we've come from scratch. We've gone a lot of iterations and half-assed temporary fixes to serious problems. The "finished" product now is pretty much everything we'd hoped for, and it really does run quite smoothly. I consider it a job well done, and that's a relief considering how much I would get down on myself if I thought I had failed and dragged down all my coworkers with me.

After work I drove home... ahh the luxury. Traffic wass horrible though, considering that a main road has two areas of construction on it that are pushing all the cars up to the next - already over-crowded - street. I did eventually drop Jamie and Mary off and make it home just in time to call the guy I had an appointment with. The guy who's house I hadn't been able to find the day before ;o) It turns out he had done what he wanted to do to the computer on his own and thanked me for my help (over the phone) and advice. I was actually quite glad because that gave me the evening to myself and solved the dilemma of when I should start my spaghetti sauce. I had actually thought at first that I would make spaghetti and eat it before heading out. HA!

Anyway, so freed of the night's obligation, I got straight to work making "Michelle's Spaghetti Sauce". It was hecka fun to cook, as I always love doing it, and damn! that onion I cut up made me cry a lot! I never usually cry from cutting onions so this was one potent mofo :o) I been reading Weetabix too much :oP The sauce turned out just grand, although I had to leave it on the stove forever to cook.

No matter though, I had the computer to speed things up :o) I chatted with my mom on MSN about travel plans for Christmas. I'll be flying to Toronto and then taking a bus or train (whichever is cheaper, really :o) to Windsor (or Amherstburg, but I doubt they go that far. We'll see, though. Actually, they probably do with Greyhound) That was a nice little chat and a half. It kind of petered off when Tristan got home and started sending me all the emoticons he could :o) It'll be nice when he learns to type hehe.

Then I headed off for some online gaming. It just so happened that Jamie was online and looking to play DoD so we headed off to a server and my spaghetti was cooked before I knew it. I felt like I was playing horribly and I was on a map I'd only played one other time, but I lead the team all the way until I started cooking spaghetti and stirring the noodles at the start of every round instead of playing.

So I ate a huge plate of spaghetti in front of the computer, watching Family Guy. It'd been a while since I'd seen this episode and I kept remembering how I was stoned all the other times I'd seen it. It's a love-hate battle, remembering how I miss pot and yet knowing I'm not missing much. My decision so far is to not completely cut it out, but not to have any around the house either. If I'm to have any, it'll either be offered, or I'll buy it special for one occasion, preferrably with friends. Although that might be hard since I don't think I hang out with anyone who partakes any more. We'll see.

Anyway, I also made the decision that if it does weasel its way into my life even slightly more than that and I discover myself getting baked several nights of the week for no particular reason than because I have nothing else to do, then I'll have to treat it like alcohol and make it part of my program for eternal abstenance. I don't want to have to do that, because I want to give my chance to control something. It's every alcoholic's dream to control alcohol, and we can't go there, but I don't feel wrong attempting to control pot. The worst that is going to happen is that I will get lazy and fail to accomplish personal projects and goals. I'm not going to hurt anyone else because of it, so it's worth an attempt to control it because of the self esteem I'll gain if I'm able to whip it and make it my slave instead of vice versa :o)

So that brings me to last night. Seemed fine. Played my guitar a lot :o) Read my AA book. In bed with lights out before 10:00. Doing good. however, by 11:00 I'm finding myself writhing in bed, still thinking of Michelle and having to consciously direct my thoughts elsewhere. I failed at that as well, still punishing myself with stupid thoughts of her. I tried laying there with my guitar on my chest and gently plucking the strings and that seemed to work. I think I'll make that a habit.

My dreams were weird. I think it was all the spaghetti hehe. I dreamed several times of AA assemblies and/or gatherings of large groups of people. At some points, there was pot being smoked and although I could have had some, I abstained because of my 3 month goal :o) That's heartening, but not too much, because when I dream of drugs the usual pattern is that I'm already drunk/stoned and in the middle of doing it, and so I don't get a chance to abstain in the dream. But last night was a very positive step and I felt good thinking about it this morning.

At one part of my dream, everyone was getting busted and the party was breaking up. I headed back to my car along with a lot of other people. Ooh! Here's a recurrence I had completely forgotten until right now. When I was trying to drive my car, I felt completely out of control. The thing basically drove where it wanted to and jamming the pedals hardly worked. Putting it in reverse and forward worked, but trying to stop when backing up was impossible.. I know I've had that happen in my dreams several times. Anyway, I managed to drive my car up to the edge of the road and stop it, waiting to see if Michelle would make it out. It was telling that she was more likely of getting in trouble than me, because I am being more clean with my lifestyle these days... Not that that's a judgement. I know I wouldn't have changed if things hadn't happened this way.

Anyway, she did show up walking down the road to the car. Weird. She had really short hair, not quite to her shoulders, and it was very very red. She looked beautiful. Heck, it hardly looked like her, more like a blend of her and Pam, in that strange dream sort of sense. She got into the car (hey, the back seat I seem to remember just now) and I said "give me a big kiss" and took her face in my hands and intended to peck her but instead got a hugely open mouth. I couldn't feel her tongue.. it was strange and disturbing and disorienting and not what I had wanted. I mumbled something into her mouth and then pulled back and said, "no , I meant like this" and tried to peck her on the lips. I tried a few more times.. I think I gave up, I don't know.

Anyway, I think what happens next is that we headed off to the group gathering where everyone was going to make out with each other. Strange, I know. No idea where that comes from. Probably lack of sex for a month and a half and extreme frustration. Anyway, at this stage of the dream her presence feels strangely like Saara, but at times I know it's still Michelle because of the thoughts I have of how she's been involved in my recent past. Hard to explain.

But apparently we are going to have sex. I forget the details, but she leaves to go get changed. I think it's at this point that I have to go, too. I end up somewhere else and taking off layers of clothes to have a shower. The funny thing is I'm wearing 4 layers of clothes. Oh, I remember earlier on having the naked dream where I'm out in public in just some sheets. I know I've had that one tons of times. I must have been half-awake. I eventually return, but when I walk into her room, two other guys are in there and they're having a smoke. It definitely felt at this point like it was Saara though, so it didn't hurt, and at the time I was just surprised and left because of the cigarette smoke. But Saara never smoked. So confusing.

I guess it's worth mentioning that while I was beating myself up with thoughts of Michelle before going to sleep, one of the things that went through my mind was an imaginary phone call where Lindsey picked up and was disgusted at hearing my voice. She passed me on to Michelle saying something like "It's that thing that's stalking you" or similar deriding comment. And Michelle, when she got on the phone, was super drunk and loud and happy. She started yelling at me, asking me what I wanted. I just said "I'll call you later. I don't want to talk to you right now" and she kept going saying "no, why did you call??! Go ahead, tell me?" And then.. this is the sad and sick and stupid part.. she started saying "I'm going to fuck XX tonight." (XX being someone she knows) XX in the background saying "hell yeah!" and her "yeah, do you want me to do it right now so you can hear?" It's at that point that I stopped myself, repeating to myself how sad and stupid and pointless that thought was.

I have a sort of explanation for why I would think something like that. My mind tends to bring up the absolute worst possible thoughts at some times. When I was 14 and had just watched "Aliens", I had the hardest time getting to sleep. The reason is that I kept remembering the scariest parts of the movie while I was laying there in the dark. For months, MONTHS, after I saw the movie, I would go to sleep and try not to think of the movie. But then I just knew it would happen, and then it would start: my mind would pull up all the horrible, scariest mental images it could from the movie and project them in full terror-vision across my memory as I lay there, gripping my sheets and freaked out. It was like I couldn't avoid it if I tried. I hated it, all I wanted was to forget, or rather not to think about it in the first place. It seemed that nothing would help.

What I eventually ended up doing to break the cycle was to start listening to tapes to help me fall asleep. I fell in love with Pink Floyd's "A Momentary Lapse of Reason" that way. It helped me get over Aliens. Weird.

Anyway, maybe I'll have to listen to some music in the coming weeks or keep playing my guitar. I think I may try the music thing, maybe with some Celtic Charm or something. Should help.

So yeah, that's the entry. I have to go eat breakfast and drive to get Jamie. Time's a wastin.

Au revoir.

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