2002-09-26 - 9:38 p.m.

sigh

I can't seem to do anything right.

I just finished talking to Niki.. or rather she just finished talking to me. She basically said she didn't feel comfortable talking to me because I hadn't really kept in touch for the last few years and now that my life fell apart I was trying to talk to her all the time. Of course, that is absolutely true, so what can I say?

I think it's time I'm a little more honest with myself.

I know that I've been trying really hard to do things right for just over a month. And that does mean something. It does matter, and it shows I'm on the right path. But if I'm to be completely honest, I haven't exactly been that great of a person for the last few years.

Just because I've done things well for a little while doesn't mean that I should expect to feel happy or satisfied. I have a long ways to go before I level things off in the effort department, and I really feel like I'm slowing myself down by expecting things to go right for me right away. I also seem to have an expectation on the people around me that "Hey, can't you see I'm hurt here? Give me some love" But why should they, when I haven't done the same for them?

I know my inner thoughts and it's totally true that I already feel like things aren't going as well as I deserve them to be. Excuse me? Deserve? I'm getting exactly what I deserve. Other people aren't being unreasonable here, it's me who's being childish. As a matter of fact, I still have a lot more than I deserve.

And not only that, but my supposed hard work lately hasn't been all that hard. I haven't been all that dilligent. I may have gotten to the office on time every day (actually I was slightly late once) but I certainly haven't worked hard every day. I put it down to depression and in a sense that's true.. I mean it is harder to work when you're depressed. But that's my own fault. I shouldn't be expecting any breaks just because I'm hurting now.

Truth is, I'm a baby. I have been for a long long time and I'm resisting the responsibility of being an adult. I don't want to have to work hard. I don't want to have to be alone. I don't want to have to go to bed on time tonight. Whine whine whine.

I don't feel as though I'm being too hard on myself. Everything I'm saying is true. It doesn't really hurt, it's more like it's just sad. Just sad that I should have known this all along, and maybe I did, but I've ignored it and life go on the way it was.

I think that is a big part of the depression I'm feeling now. I think it's also the main reason I was stressed and depressed before August 16th. I think I was just getting really sick of myself at some unconscious level and that led to my outburst, at least partly. Having hit Michelle is definitely the most hurtful thought to me still, but it is in a sense a smaller pain. It may be extremely sharp, but it doesn't span a lot of time or several occurrences. In comparison, my daily failures for the past years have each been small, but they've piled up to become a towering mass of debris.

..

You know what else is funny? Earlier, I remembered something I thought about last night that I wanted to write in here. It was the typical "poor me" thought and I didn't even think twice about its validity. That thought was as follows:

Michelle cooked whole chickens quite a few times during the past few years, and we used to break the wishbones. Every time we did that, my wish was the same - that me and Michelle would get married and be together forever. It was truly the thing I wanted the most out of life, and I wanted to comment on how much of a crock wishbone breaking is, because I know I broke off the bigger piece at least a few times.

Now that seems like such a sad thing to want to put in my diary. Another example of why I should feel sorry for myself.

Hello... Michelle was going to marry me. I hit her. Now she left. Why am I the victim, huh?

Just something to think about...

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