2002-09-27 - 7:08 a.m.

For the record, I believe the extra waking time is better than staying in bed. This morning I fought the same old battle with myself, and if I hadn't just explicitly written my goals out the night before and reiterated to myself the "wake up at 6:30am" and the "stay dilligent" then I really believe I would have layed in bed for another hour. I feel like I did the right thing.. it's like a checkmark next to that particular daily goal :o)

The weather network says it is 0 degrees out this morning. Ouch. I'm thinking of going up the hill to watch the sunrise. I haven't done that in a while. I also want to start taking pictures of the sunrises and possibly sunsets. Nah.. probably sunrises. I've done sunsets enough already :o)

My roommate may leave dirt in the bathtub and hair all over the bathroom floor, and he may not change the garbage or do dishes regularly. He may even come home drunk at 4:30am and wake me up by kicking around a plastic kiddie pool, but last night when he finished off the OJ, he left a can of frozen OJ in the sink to thaw for me this morning :o) I can't complain, really, I can't.

Yesterday felt shitty but was in fact good, I believe. Work started slow but ended with a bang. I'm a bit behind on development of the features I want to have done today, but not so much that they're in jeopardy. I did get the new build made up, but I didn't do the process. All these things could have been done already, but I've been fighting the slack beast at the office again. It seems like my natural state is stupor.

It's not a strange thought, really. To be realistic, humans are nothing but a pile of organic compounds that is driven into motion by the electrical firings of our neurons. If it weren't for that spark, we wouldn't move, and we wouldn't be alive. So our natural state is stupor. Immobility. Sleeeeeeeep.

It's been bugging me for a year now, and I know it. When I feel particularly lazy, I ask myself if I'm ready to die yet and I always answer no. I don't want to lay down and stop at this particular time. It's hard to realize that I will naturally if I don't stop myself, if I don't keep pushing. It's a harsh fact that I have to keep myself in line lest I do things I know I don't want to do.

Case in point: porn. Ouch.. I'm having an internal battle here, mostly because I can't remember exactly who I gave the address of this diary to. But anyway, honesty is a big global goal of mine now so I'm sticking to it. I mentioned in this diary near the beginning that I was glad I "kicked the porn habit". Oooh, I'm glad I looked up the exact quote.. here it is:

"I'm so glad I ditched the porn habit. It's really a drag and has no noticeable benefit, since I'm clearly not missing it in the least. Just another item of trash that had been sitting in my porch way too long."

Yes. Quite. Well, that particular item of trash was still sitting on the porch. Just because I realized it was there doesn't mean I took proper care of it and disposed of it. This past week I went through a bunch of old CDs I had that didn't have titles, checking to see which ones were porn. I found one, and though I didn't actually watch any of the movies, I didn't throw the CD out, either. I mean come on. Duh. That's a tough admission for me to make to myself considering I've been thinking of how good I've been doing since Michelle left me. Bullshit. I haven't really changed much.

Not only that.. I was trying to let myself off easy there. Last night I ended up searching around on Gnucleus for porn. I even downloaded BearShare and had a go with that one. I can barely remember the lame excuse I used to get myself started.. I do remember that at first I swore to myself I wasn't going to download movies, only sound files. Like :oP... whatever. So of course I ended up watching some.

Remember that check mark next to waking up at 6:30am today? Well, there's a big X next to "ditch the porn habit" for last night.

On the brighter side, after the events of my last entry, I went and had a bath since it was that time. I actually had to fight myself not to stay awake and see if Michelle would show up on MSN. Half the time I'm clearly stating that I don't want to talk to her, but then I always end up checking to see if she's online and even trying to convince myself to stay up late just in case she might sign on? I mean come on! Well, in my defense I decided against doing that last night and went and had a bath instead.

For my bath time reading, I went straight to page 58 of the big book. Niki's words had been a much needed slap in the face, and after my honest-to-myself entry I figured I needed to get back to basics. Not that I've really gotten anywhere, but I needed to make a clean start.

I didn't even get to the first step. Just reading the preamble showed me how much work I had to do. I am one of the people listed in the preamble whose chances are "less than average". You see, the reason is that I'm "constitutionally incapable of being honest with myself" to paraphrase. Of course when I read that the first time, I knew right away that I didn't have that problem. They were talking about other people, you know? Last night I speculated on how the wording was intentional and how they expect all the alcoholics to think "oh, I don't have that problem" so then they soften up the words with "They are not at fault; they seem to have been born that way". That's like the back door to the person with the problem. They knew I was going to think I wasn't one of these people with the problem, and so I would think that they were lesser than me, but the book says straight out that they aren't to blame. Which leaves room for me later to realize I am one of those people, and it's easier to accept because I'm not at fault. Hmph.

Another good line from this section is "They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty." Ouch. If I'd been honest with myself, I wouldn't have been downloading porn last night. See? I figured I had this whole program in the bag. Mind you, part of the reason was that I knew I wasn't going to have an easy time of it, and I truly meant to be thorough and honest. It just goes to show that I need to constantly stay honest, and to review myself.

I admit that I'm naturally incapable of doing the equivalent of the AA program. I wouldn't have been able to do it on my own. I know that because I was already trying and I already failed. There's already a large division between where I thought I was going and where I honestly am.

Ok.. enough weighty talk. The sunrise is underway outside and I have about 15 minutes to get up there. I have to find a camera and put on some longjohns because it's freaking cold. Then I get to come in and make an omelette. It's times like this when I have to fight like hell to stick to quitting coffee. I need to add that to my goals list.. Shame it isn't on there already.

First I should review and see if I missed anything from yesterday.

Hmm.. Woke up, entry, drove to work, worked, bought doughnuts and hot chocolate :o), drove home, surfed porn, chatted with Niki, reviewed life, made goals, played guitar, went to sleep. Close enough

Au revoir.

previous - next