2003-03-07 - 1:53 a.m.

Just finished playing some pool. Gosh, I love me some pool :o)

Doesn't hurt that I rox at it hehe :oP

Ooh! Gotta jump on the server for practice! It's almost full...

K I tried to post that entry right away but diaryland was unfortunately unavailable. I

should really buy another gold membership, even if I didn't use the last one at all. I like

the idea of supporting diaryland and Andrew rox too much to think of it as anything but the

best use for my money :)

It's 1:38 am and I'm not really thinking too seriously of sleep (obviously, if I thought

enough to realize I should post my entry and even take time to add to it.) The practice was

kind of blah. It took forever to get things organized and we only played one game in like 2

hours. But it was fun to have team captains pick players. I think that should be

incorporated as part of the game. It reminds me so much of the public school playground :)

Those are the best methods, though, because they are ingrained in our society. The order you

are chosen in really helps to distinguish people who try harder, and it makes people try more

seriously to play well, I think.

Btw I had a bit of a surprise tonight. Out of curiosity I checked if Michelle was up and she

was, even though it's quite late. Her MSN nickname had "I'm posting a pic - I must be

insane!". Sure enough, in her profile, I found a new picture of her. I was surprised, but

then again not surprised at being surprised. She'd cut her hair short, dyed it a bright red,

and caked makeup on to cover all her blemishes. It just doesn't look like her. It

reinforces the feeling I have that the person I lived with was either someone I really didn't

know, or that she's become someone else since then. I prefer to think she's become someone

else.

Actually, it's probably half and half. The strange thing is, I don't feel as though I've

changed at all. For all my talk of wanting to be different, and in fact I am quite different

in my actions and habits, I'm still exactly the same inside. Either Michelle is someone else

inside or I didn't know who she was at all.

This unsure, spiteful, juvenile woman couldn't be the person I wanted to marry. I had her

pegged as confident, knowing herself, understanding people deeply and precisely, and being

mature for her age. Looking back, though, I see how I avoided seeing the things in my life

that I didn't want to see, including the faults of the person I was with and the relationship

we were in.

I hate that this sounds spiteful towards her. I do have a lot of negative feelings about

Michelle, mostly caused by the way she's treated me in the last half year. I have to

remember how much I hurt her, and although that doesn't mean she has the right to treat me

the way she has, it at least explains why.

At first I thought for sure our friendship would survive, but as time passes it appears we

may never have had a friendship at all. At least not a two-sided one. Ha.. I find myself

asking the question "did she really love me?". I know I truly loved her, because I still do

and I know I can't stop the feeling, that it will be with me always. I've learned not to

fight those kinds of feelings, that it only hurts and doesn't help you deal with the pain.

Lying to yourself never does. But I somehow don't doubt her when she says she feels no

fondness for me whatsoever. She either never loved me or has a capacity for spite that

exceeds her capacity for love. I don't know which to believe and don't want to believe

either. Something tells me there must be more to the story... I'm too impatient :)

I really hope there's a chance we can be friends again. I'd feel so much better if we could

have an open honest conversation where we each apologize for hurting the other. Hahhaha that

thought makes me laugh at the moment because I simply can't imagine her expressing those

kinds of things. I'm sure she would laugh harder than me if she read this.

I almost don't want to post this. But.. that's the therapy of it, the posting of self, the

sharing, the presenting, the fearlessness of being so open and trusting that others will

understand, will see, will agree.

At least that's the way I see it, and I'm allowed my opinion :)

All much interesting for my future self to read.

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