2003-03-07 - 11:26 a.m.

I think it's best to write this entry right away. I had the words "get it over with" in my mind.. ug. Not really what I think, and not what I want to think.. Yet, your own thoughts are undeniable. It's good to have this restriction, this responsibility. It's good that I want to do this regularly, every day, even if I have to make myself.

While search for a CD to play a game with my brother and sister, I found Pearl Jam's Yield and took it out into common rotation. I have a ton of CDs I hardly listen to anymore, and a small bag of common ones that I bring with me when I go places in the car. Last night I drove to visit Niki and listened to Yield for the first time in years. Just now I was reading through the liner notes since the case is sitting on the desk in front of me. I always loved the effort that Pearl Jam put into making cool and meaningful liner notes :o)

So just now I pulled up winamp and typed in "j low l" and of course there it was right away, waiting to be played, the song on the CD I was thinking of that I liked the most, "Low Light". Well.. it's done just now and unfortunately it didn't last.. the mood was nice for a while. I remember that Stu picked that song one night when we were getting high at my old place, the place I had before I met Michelle even. Actually this whole CD is from before meeting her :o) Maybe that was why I enjoyed listening to it so much. Sometimes I get reminded of a whole set of feelings that I'm out of touch with, that it seems I've lost touch with, the way I was feeling before some major period in my life. I move on so completely from stage to stage that I tend to forget everyone and everything that was a part of me in the past. Not forget in the sense that I couldn't call it up if I thought about it, but forget in the sense that it's not in my current thoughts, not something I think about ever.

As an example, my brain called up the house on Darwin crescent that I lived at during my last year of university. Wow.. there is a whole rich trove of memories that I just haven't considered for years. Literally, years. Suddenly, I'm reminded that I smoked a cigar in my room, trying to learn to blow smoke rings. I remember cooking t-bone steaks almost every day of the week when the school year first started, just cause I had them there to cook. I remember having the time of my life at a hug halloween keg party we threw, where we had 5 kegs and even a CO2 tap in the basement, just like a real bar. That was something else.. walking through your own living room and it's wall-to-wall people, so packed that I started at one end with a full pitcher of beer (free, of course) and offerred so many people refills that by the time I'd made it to the kitchen (about 20 feet) I had just enough left to fill my own cup. Yes.. that night.. that was the night I fell in love with Traci. My little indian girl. heh. She was dressed like a native girl, with her hair done up and beads strung around her neck. I was already quite taken with her, but that night crystallized my feelings for her in my mind. God, what a fucked up time... I don't even really want to remember all the shit that went on yet even though it's already been years.

Yowzers.. how did I get on this train of thought? I don't even remember. Ahh.. I see.

Yeah now all I can think about is how screwed up my relationships were at that time, how I was still so caught up in Pam and our maelstrom of discontent, of struggles to find each other from all the pushing away.

It's not all bad, though. I remember clearly that I thought about Traci just recently. ...

We were play fighting in the bathroom, throwing soap bubbles at each other.. she threw a cup of water at my I believe.. and a wet rag.. or was that what I threw back? It was a pure, simple fun, the kind I hadn't had in so long and that she brought to me like a bouquet of flowers, saying "here, you can have this.. you can be happy" and I was all shocked. :o) Yes, that time we kept upping the stakes with larger vessels of water, until it was an all out water fight and then on a whim I snatched the movable shower head from the wall next to me and suddenly pointed it at her as if it was a gun, grabbing the handle with both hands in a shooting stance. Hahahaha she ducked hardcore, screeching, only then realizing that there wasn't any water coming out and it was all a trick. God I love her. Traci Bowley-Eagle with a cat named Punkin'. Heck, I even loved her cat. She changed my world.. we changed each other's worlds. She reminded me that relationships can be fun and that you can have simple times with just two people and a little reckless love. Too bad I wasn't ready for the right person.. I really believe we could have had the most glorious life together. I hope she's happy wherever she is now.. I really do. She deserves it.

Wow now I'm quite wistful. Sitting here perched on my little stool in front of the puter screen. The music must have something to do with my mood.. MFC, Low Light, and now In Hiding are setting a .. searching? relaxing? remembering? I don't know.. mood. Mood is so strange.

I need to do some work. Post a URL encoded copy of a file to a web server and wait for the reply, then launch a web browser to the indicated address. Why would I do that? The wheels of commerce, dear reader. Advertising, that's all. I hate advertising and I hate Americanisims like the concept that you have to advertise yourself. That you have to write fucking "If it doesn't say Kellogg's on the box, it's not Kellogg's in the box".. like what could possibly be more inane or insulting to my intelligence and choice as a consumer?

And here I am, taking $25 an hour to assist these weasels in disseminating their useless messages. Use the 5 Caster!!! See KSTP weather!!! Wooohooo! Download our nifty little application!! It will splash ads all over your screen!! Don't worry if you're computer illiterate, we'll take the initiative and make sure this thing starts up automatically every time you run windows. Bah.

But yeah, time to get to the grind :o) It's good in the sense that I feel as though I have the capacity to do work when I achieve some labour such as the one I'm undertaking, and then after it's done I'm free to do my own thing. So different than before, where anything I thought up wasn't my own because I was a hired hand in the computer programming world. Now I'm a free agent.. nah.. a free radical :o) Hehehehee

Bye.

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