2003-05-23 - 11:36 a.m.

I can't remember the last time I spent so little time using a computer. This is good. Oddly enough, I have so much more to say, not that I'm at all sure that I could remember much of what I've thought that belongs in these archives of past self. Man, what a nasty sentence. I think I need to learn to have the words flow out of me in a steady stream if I'm ever to attempt to write more than a personal diary page.

Oh yeah. One of the thoughts that's recurred most often was how much I'm like my grandparents. See, I lived with them until I was 5 and saw them frequently thereafter. My grandfather was the only adult male influence in my life until my mom and stepdad got together when I was 7. My grandmother is very strong-willed and intelligent, which I've always known and which I've been glad to have inherited from her, but she's also many other things which I also see in myself and which I don't like as much. Same goes for my grandfather; he's a hard worker and values dilligence and effort, and he's loyal and honest. All qualities I possess to some degree and have always known came from him, however he also has donated some vices. Heh. So yes, just like when I first moved to Amherstburg and saw so many of the problems I was trying to deal with in myself reflected in my parents, so now I am seeing the root of a lot of my personality splashed out in brush fire arguments over nothing in my grandparents home.

Among the revelations of self that I've had while I was here is the concept that I am oblivious to a lot of what goes on around me because of how often my grandparents fought. When I was growing up, they stopped just shy of fistfights on a regular basis; if not daily then at least several times a week. Add to that the facts that I had no friends until I was 6 and that it seemed everything I did was bad, and you have a good case for my shyness and introspective nature. I'm often caught absorbed in my own thoughts while someone is talking to me, and I often miss out on things that are said in a group that everyone else seems to catch on to immediately. On the other side of the coin, I have this observative nature where I love to watch people and can almost always judge someone's mood at a glance. That skill set developed to the point where I can judge someone's personality within moments of seeing them, especially if they are talking to someone. But anyway, why write things I already know about myself? Sometimes my blatant advertising bothers me. I don't know anymore. I'm talking about that last bit about judging people. Anyway, the real point of this paragraph is that I realized the root of my habit of mentally removing myself from a group of people. I often skim along around the edges of a social gathering, observing without participating, judging without acting, knowing and seeing without belonging. I've often thought that if only I was willing to know less about what was going on and just launch myself into it, without so much worry about what was going to happen to me, that I would be more successful at fitting in. I think in fact that I've done just that in some odd circumstances. Ha, who says I'm not afraid, that I'm not shy. Now I've put my finger on what was confusing me so much about why I thought Niki wasn't shy when if fact she is, a trait that I share with her. I seem to remember Niki's dad used to get drunk and "be an asshole" in her words, so maybe there's some solid basis for my insights. Funny, if I told her about this, I can just see her explaining calmly, as if to a child, why I am wrong and what 5 letter acronym properly describes our condition. I'm unsure as to whether psychology is a crock or I'm an idiot.

Ok, some dude just won something on the price is right. TV sucks. "that's why I switched to talk america. ... long distance is FREE!" blah blah shut up. I just can't think with that noise pollution eating my brains through my ears. It's awful because it's technologically designed to the nth degree to capture my attention no matter what I happen to be doing, and most often I don't want my attention diverted. I need a vchip for my brain.

That's enough for today. Some guy calls his father in law "pops" and his father in law is younger than him HAHAHAHAHAHhahahah HAHAHAHAHAha.. oh sorry that's the canned laughter I think. I don't know anymore. The two things I hate the most in the world are Microsoft and TV.

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