2003-09-16 - 1:43 p.m.

As I was leaving the shed after putting my bike and skateboard away, I noticed a ladybug crawling up the front on my t-shirt. I couldn't just flick it off because that would be so rude to such a tiny being, so as I passed the apple tree, I held my shirt up so a leaf was in its path and it climbed off me.

This is the man you felt you had to take your child away from. How could you? How could you live with me for almost three years and not know my inner heart?

Now I dream of another.

That is all.

No, wait, there is more I want to say after all. As I lay in the grass by the half-pipe, panting and catching my breath, I thought of how wonderful life is when every free thought moment is visited by warm misty dreams of new feeling. As I biked back home, I felt such a peace, such a stillness and fullness of being.. it was great :) As I put away my bike and skateboard in the shed, I heard lilting lines of guava themed song in my head and daydreamed of the captured moments I will soon share, and how best to share them, and what feelings those moments will engender when they are received. In short, I was happy.

But this entry is a result of my thoughts as I walked into the house, after the ladybug incident. It's amazing how after so much time has passed, so much water has flown under this particular bridge, even after I've so completely accepted what's happened and where I am now compared to just over a year ago, even after all that, the pain is still so huge. The loss.. it won't ever leave me completely.

I just needed to paint this feeling on my little nook of cyberspace.

Oh.. That reminds me of some of Shannon's words: "cause I know we can't all stay here forever / so I'm gonna write my words on the face of today / and then they'll paint it."

Phew. This was draining. This was good. Life is good.

ps ooh baby, here I am :o)

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