2004-01-25 - 3:13 p.m.

I just rememebered that I dreamed of Michelle last night. We were at some house with at least a few other people. The circumstance appeared to be that we were friends again, but hadn't spent much time together. My attitude toward her was one of friendship and understanding that we were never to be more than that.

However, her attitude toward me wasn't the same. I kept getting vibes from her that she was thinking more of me. She was in the dream for a while and at one point we ended up facing each other and talking a bit more seriously about "us" somehow. I remember us hugging and me saying "Michelle.. I love you" without being able to help it, and her answering "Oh I love you, I love you, I love you" and we were clinging to each other for dear life. What a feeling. It didn't feel like a dream at the time, it felt like it was for real, like we would be getting back together.

Just after that time, Kris was in the dream. She looked older. She was saying "hi Carl" and had a tear running down her cheek. It made me want to cry so bad that I couldn't bear to look at her. I think this was when I realized it wasn't real? I'm not sure, but it was sort of a short-lived dream.

Oh! I just remembered something else about that. When Michelle and I were talking "a bit more seriously" as mentioned above, we were finally discussing some of our feelings about that night, and I remember her saying something like it was hard to blame me for what I did and me laughing a belly laugh at how true that was and agreeing. Like she was finally admitting that I hadn't really done anything that bad, or that it really had been her fault somehow. How sickening.

That was more than my dream self could handle, and I actually had a little battle of wills with myself where I reminded myself that it was actually my fault and that it was plain wrong to think that what I did was ok or dismissable. What a strange memory, since that was a step closer to waking and removed me from the picture of the dream passing by, but only briefly since I went back into it and there was more, including the part with Kris in it. I wish I remembered more of the dream and in more detail, but that's what came back. Hmmmm thought-provoking. I'd really thought I was over her.

As I was writing, I was as usual seeing possible influences in my daily life that could have sparked this dream. Last night I went to Saara's for the first time in a while. The kids weren't there most of the time and we were quite cool in our body language. We treated each other strictly as friends in all aspects of personal space and conversation subject, except one noticeable moment. She was standing in the living room putting hand cream on or something and I went to walk past her or vice versa and there wasn't much room, but we just subconsciously shifted to the relationship-oriented personal space mode where we mutually accepted each other's bodies at any distance. It was weird.. felt nice on a level, and was striking because it was so out of character for how we had behaved that night. Very reminiscent of the feeling of Michelle suddenly turning and being my friend in the dream, then suddenly more.

Also, I remember glancing at the picture of Kris on my dresser either last night or the night before. It was as I was walking into the kitchen, and kind of out of the corner of my eye, but it struck me still with one of those pangs of longing and loss. I think those sudden moments that we bury under our consciousness come back later as dreams.

Oh, a last bit about hugging Michelle. The goodness of the feeling was in "knowing" that she really did love me, and had all along, and missed me every day, etc, etc, etc. I know that a part of me is still torn with indecision about whether or not she loves me. Most of the time these days, starting about 8 months to a year after we broke up, whenever I thought of the subject, I quickly told myself that she is probably with someone else and looks back on me with derision as a mistake that she kicks herself for. This repeated self-abuse is probable a cause of the pain that the dream alleviated, if only briefly, and if only in fantasy. I really need to let go of these feelings.

ps I was going to only save this on my hard drive and not post it online, but on second thought that just isn't right. This is really me, and really what I'm going through, and hiding it, even if it's with the intention of trying not to hurt Saara, isn't the right thing to do. I think... I don't know, but it's what I feel is right at the moment and that's the best I can do.

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